blue cat

PITCHING

2012-01-09T07:35:00.005Z

'Pitching' is when a writer has to try and sell a project (which at that point might exist solely in their mind) to a producer or commissioner by using out-loud words from their voice box.

Most writers have a weird love/hate relationship with pitching, I suspect because pitching seems like the purest possible form of storytelling. With none of that high-tech 'things written down on paper' nonsense, writers are stripped down to their most primal form: a lone bard in a smoky hall, weaving stories out of thin air in the hope their thane won't immediately pull out a sword and behead him because he's realised the story is clearly Beowulf with the serial numbers filed off (which most stories are).

The truth is, most writers are crap at pitching, because if they were easily able to hold a room of execs spellbound with their words, they wouldn't be making a living writing things down for other people to read out loud. And, weirdly enough, telling a gripping story isn't what you need to do in order for a successful pitch - what you're doing is showing the people with the chequebook that you have all the ingredients to make a whole succession of gripping stories if they'd just let you go away and get on with it.

You might think that going in with enormous confidence and giving the execs plenty of detail and colour would guarantee you that they'll at least give you a bit of cash to go away and write a ten page treatment or summat, but you would be this: WRONGO. And here's why.

I reckon, and this is in no way backed up by 'facts' or 'science', that two thirds of the execs you have pitching meetings with have already decided before you came in the room whether they were going to commission something or not. The other third might have a bit of cash floating about, which they're prepared to throw at you in a whim if something you say tickles their fancy. So your job is to not to mess it up, and one way you can do this is to go steamrolling in like Russell Crowe doing a radio interview for a project he REALLY believes in (if you heard him banging on about the Magna Carta for hours on end for that Robin Hood film, over the bludgeoned corpses of various BBC presenters, you'll know what I mean).

There are two kinds of writers who take the 'bludgeoning on for hours on end' approach: starting writers who need to conceal their terror of rejection, and more experienced writers who have a few series under their belts, and thus have become convinced they are storytelling GODS, from whose lips words drip like honey &c &c.

The worst pitch meeting I had was a few years ago with a very nice lady film producer I realised too late had spared me half an hour out of basic politeness. I decided to go in all guns blazing with a Thirties-set semi-historical monster movie that was loosely tied in with my own family history (no monsters in that, sadly). Sadly, this required describing a bit of background first, and I realised too late that there is nothing more boring than listening to someone else's family history, and I hadn't even got to the film idea yet. Also, it turned out the nice lady producer hadn't actually read any of my previous scripts, which meant she wouldn't get the tone I was going for. So I started skipping bits, grimly determined to get the end of my pitch, which, as I recall, ended with me sweating all over my fat face as I recited the deathless phrase 'and then they realise it wasn't the Owlman all along, and the Nazis leave, and, arm, it all works out fine'. READER, I DID NOT GET A FEATURE SCRIPT COMMISSION THERE AND THEN.

The same producer left the company a week or so later, which suggests she didn't have any money to spend anyway, which was of some small comfort.

The best pitch session I ever had was with another lady producer, for television this time, who had read plenty of my previous scripts, hurrah, and who I'd already had a couple of meetings with and knew to be totally nerd-friendly. I only found out later that she'd just sat through a pitch from a VERY distinguished television writer, which had already gone like this for half an hour:

DISTINGUISHED WRITER: … at which point Jake, of course you remember Jake, he's the one with the gammy leg, Jake makes the SHOCKING and APPALLING discovery that Helen, you remember Helen, she's the one with the twitchy eye, Helen is not his mother, BUT HIS SISTER!

Distinguished Writers sits back with a satisfied smirk. Lady Producer manages to drag herself back up from where she has slumped onto the sofa.

LADY PRODUCER: Right, well, that was very-

DISTINGUISHED PRODUCER: (triumphantly) ACT TWO!

LADY PRODUCER: (mumbles) Oh my fucksie.

Another half hour later, the Distinguished Writer departs, his PA scattering rose petals before him &c and I bumble in.

ME: Look, I'm completely fucked with a hangover, so can I just give you the gist of the thing in about three minutes? I can ABSOLUTELY give you more details if you need them, but I will need a very nice young lady or young man to bring me quite a strong cup of coffee first.

I give them the gist. THREE MINUTES LATER:

LADY PRODUCER: We'd like a script please.

ME: (puzzled) Are you sure? Don't you want a treatment or anything?

LADY PRODUCER: Nope, go and write a script, we'll talk to your agent.

ME: WOO HOO! Ow.

This is not to say I recommend going in to pitch meetings with a hangover, I totally do not. Unless it works for you, in which case, go for it.

Dialogue

2011-11-24T10:08:00.008Z

After a day's hovering between feeling quite sick, then nearly all right, then quite sick again (I am now beginning to suspect my children's nursery down the road of using childcare as a mere research arm of a startlingly successful biological weapons research lab), it was with ENORMOUS bravery that I decided to get the sleeper train into london last night, banking either feeling much better this morning, or dying quietly somewhere on a quiet siding near Exeter.

Fortunately I lived! And turned on my phone this morning to see I had a voice mail message from half eleven last night. Which, as Patroclus had gone to bed about nine-ish could only mean one thing: SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAD HAPPENED.

In fact it meant another thing: someone had accidentally dialed my phone while, it turned out, saying goodbye to someone else. The someone was a lady, the someone else was also a lady, and they were saying goodbye to each other. I didn't recognise either of their voices.

Now broadcasting the results of this illicitly recorded conversation would obviously make me worse than a News International-employed tabloid journalist, but I'm going to do it anyway, because only by listening to real conversations, picking up on their rhythms, subtext, little clues as to the characters involved and so on can you call yourself a writer. If I couldn't work out which one of these female people had called me, or at the very least what they did for a living, my entire career was going to be called into question.

LADY 1: It was lovely to meet you.
LADY 2:And you!
LADY 1:Yeah.
LADY 2:Yeah.

Pause.

LADY 1: Bye then.
LADY 2: Bye.
LADY 1:Yeah.
LADY 2:Yeah.

Pause.

LADY 1:Oooh!

(there follows a completely unintelligeable bit of conversation).

LADY 2: No!
LADY 1: Yeah.
LADY 2: Well.
LADY 1: Mmm.
LADY 1: Bye then.
LADY 2: Bye.
LADY 1: Yeah.
LADY 2: Bye.
LADY 1: Yeah.

After listening to this three or four times, I have concluded that Lady 1 is a spy who has just returned from the Baltic States, where she has concluded a tricky bit of espionage involving high-tech startups being funded by shadow corporations with the money being channelled through Estonia. Lady 2 is almost certainly a gardener. Possibly with one leg slightly shorter than the other. My career is safe.

Apologies to various people I was going to meet next time I was up in london, this is a bit of a tightly packed day, and at least two of the people I'm meeting are buying me food of one form or another, and thus have been moved to the top of the queue. UP YOUR GAME PRODUCERS.

EDIT: Ha, the very first thing the very first person I had a meeting with said was: 'erm, I may have accidentally left a message on your phone last night'. She was talking to her neighbour about putting the bins out. CASE CLOSED.

A Producer Writes:

2011-10-28T18:47:00.006+01:00

Re: the previous post, 'Paul' says:

Just wanted to say that not all producers are alike. On the last three projects I've developed, the writer has been paid more than the producer. FAR more. I'd say I've made 10% of what I've paid writers over the past couple of years. Now that one of those projects is complete and going out to market, I expect to make some back end - but that's after three years of keeping a business open by hook and by crook. So, yeah, some producers skin writers alive, some producers don't. Try to work with the ones who don't, is my advice.

Which is a valid point, of course, and I should say that most of the producers I've worked with have been lovely, and generous, and all that - I certainly wouldn't want to suggest all producers are out to get as much work out of writers as they can for as little as possible, although arguable that is kind of their job. Some just work in big enough companies that they're pretty much divorced from the contracts/finance side, so don't have much influence over that side of things any way.

Today, for example, I've worked on two different outlines for no money, mainly because a) I like the projects, and b) they have a good enough chance of getting made that I'm betting on it paying off. But there's a limit on how far I'm prepared to go with that. The problem is, if you had a very strict 'never work for a producer who doesn't pay you every step of the way' policy, you'd be out of work pretty quickly, I'm afraid.

Have you considered a smaller desk?

2011-10-28T08:01:00.005+01:00

An article I wrote appeared in this week's Broadcast, but they didn't pay me for it, there doesn't seem to be any facility for comments, and it's behind a (not terribly effective to be honest) paywall, so I may as well put it up here.

One thing comedy writers in particular quickly get used to is hearing how little money there is at the start of a project.

We’re constantly being told by production companies that if we do a treatment right now, they’ll find “money for development” (they won’t); that if we do a little script polish/total rewrite, “money can be moved around to pay for it” (it can’t); or this from a producer sitting behind a desk slightly bigger than my house: “Your script shouldn’t be a sitcom, it should be a film and I absolutely have money for this right now” (he didn’t).

However, in the past few years, I’ve moved from fairly regular, if relatively low-paid, gigs in comedy and kids’ telly to developing fewer, bigger, drama projects.

Lots of these I’ve been lucky enough to develop in-house with the BBC, where people do seem to talk to one another and money arrives fairly quickly – apart from one incident where it went to another writer with a similar name, quite possibly the estate of Henry James, whose custodians I think occasionally write confused letters asking why they’re getting Bob The Builder residuals.

Sadly, Gillian Anderson never came round to my house to ask for tips on House of Mirth (or if she did, I was out).

Tragically, because not all of my projects can rely on a vast and chilling corporate behemoth dedicated to breaking the backs and minds of innocent licence fee payers, I currently have a number of drama projects in development with those efficient and nimble free-market agents known as ‘independent production companies’.

This means that although on paper I’m doing far better than I was a few years ago when I was writing for Shaun The Sheep and Green Wing (effectively a sketch show, remember), and I handed in a script in March, I’m writing this with mounting overdraft fees on a laptop whose screen only works when it’s at an angle of exactly 60 degrees to the keyboard, and a rubbery nipple where an ‘M’ key used to be.

I can’t afford to replace my laptop because the increasingly insanely detailed contracts my agent is having to deal with, often including all-in format deals for outlines that are just a couple of pages long, mean that although the money is definitely there, my relationship to it is worryingly similar to that of a Dickensian urchin to his inheritance.

Of course, the producers themselves are often scrabbling for cash (although I can’t help feeling smaller desks would help). The problem is, fewer, bigger projects means bigger gaps for writers to fall down while they wait to get paid.

Managing expectations better would help. We know this isn’t a normal job, and all self-employed people learn to manage for gaps in their income, but if producers don’t start making the prompt payment of writers a priority, I foresee a dark future where all television scripts are churned out either by people who live in bins and thus have no outgoings, or the JulianFellowesBot 3000. And I really don’t want to see any more series about footmen.

➤James Henry has realised with a dark and terrible irony that a) he has possibly written this for no money; and b) he is currently working on a BBC4 project that includes footmen

Have you got any production company addresses I could send spec scripts to?

2011-10-12T06:58:00.004+01:00

Lyvit asks:

"Hi James, Have you got any production company addresses I could send spec scripts to? I've tried the Writersroom but would like to give my work a better chance."

Hmm, I do have some production company addresses, but nothing you couldn't get by using Google. Also, it depends what kind of scripts you're writing - are they comedy, comedy-drama, animation, children's drama? There are literally ONE BILLION production companies, whose addresses range from Death Star-like edifices of chrome and glass, to a bloke in his flat who uses his cat as a PA and script editor. Bigger doesn't mean better, by the way. Nibsy is renowned as the best in the business.

So here's a thing to do: look for a show that's along the same sort of lines as the script you've written. IMDB it, look for the production company, and the name of the producer (don't worry about the exec producer, who usually operates on a higher spiritual plane, and often can't even see writers, on so high a level do their molecules vibrate).

The producer is the person to send it to, usually via the address of the production company on their website, although double check this, as Working Title didn't update the address on their website for about a year, which caused some bewilderment last time I went for a meeting, although it did lead to a hilarious Richard Curtis-style last minute dash by taxi, which I had to share with some posh bloke whose surname was Bumme, a man with no sense of smell, and Julia Roberts. No I didn't.

DO NOT send your script to a load of people who work in the same building, thinking 'well, at least one of them will read it', as the chances are, eventually all the people will read it, mention it to each other, then realise they haven't all discovered some interesting new writer on their own (the best case scenario), and be cross.

The difficulty isn't so much in getting your script read, although if you are expecting to hear back by the end of the week you will be disappointed. Most producers are desperate to find new talent with their own individual voice, even if the first thing they try to do is try and bend that voice into some totally unsuitable new show they've devised about a nineteen thirties milliner who travels though time to solve hat-crime. The difficulty is in getting it to a producer who isn't actively evil, who likes your voice, and appreciates you can a) tell a proper story, and b) tell it in a matter that is wholly your own. And c), has some money, but I can't help with that.

Make sure you take some biscuits for Nibsy.

New sport.

2011-09-16T14:21:00.005+01:00

Conversation with daughter, who is now three years old, with a badge to prove it.

ME: How was nursery today then?
DAUGHTER: DYLAN PUSHED ME OVER! And then Henry pushed me over.
ME: Did you push them over back?
DAUGHTER: Yes.
ME: Okay then.
DAUGHTER: And then I pushed over some babies.

Slight pause.

ME: Hmm.

Daughter thinks about it.

DAUGHTER: Actually it was only one baby.
ME: (relieved) Oh okay, fine.

Lana Del Ray - 'Blue Jeans'

2011-09-12T06:46:00.016+01:00

Good LORD do I like this song (via the Guardian's Tim Lusher). I only hope her plain looks don't count against her, the music industry can be a harsh place.

EDIT: annoying, the video's off the side a bit, and altering the 'width' bit in HTML doesn't seem to help.

Fewer, Bigger = Hungrier, Poorer?

2011-08-25T09:27:00.002+01:00

Turns out you really should be careful what you write on Twitter, if for no other reason that after whingeing about the perilous financial implications of being a self-employed scriptwriter, I've now been asked to write a short piece for Broadcast Magazine, which just goes to show.

Here's the thing though, after moving back home to Cornwall after a brief excursion to Canterbury and then Shepherd's Bush via the estate of @Patroclus, my portfolio seems to have drifted from multiple, small commissions in the arena of comedy and kids' telly, to larger, but fewer development commissions along more drama-ish lines. So the former = writing lots of little scripts for already-established shows that have a good chance of making it onto the telly, while the latter = fewer but longer scripts that may never see the light of day, but are at least about characters and settings I devised myself.

Now on paper, the latter move should be making me slightly more money, which is to say about two and a half grand per year more than I was making behind the counter at a bookshop, with about the same proportion of staring into the distance and sighing.

But it's not working out that way, mainly because of the huge lag between handing a finished script in, and it being accepted/greenlit for production (for the non-scriptwriters, script payments are broadly broken down into two stages: first half when you accept the job, second half when the final draft of the script is accepted by the person who commissioned it). And the lag is getting longer and longer, which leads to situations like my being owed approximately eleven grand for a script I handed over in March, but with no sign of any cash on the horizon. And although I have plenty of other projects on the go, most are spending a lot of time stalled at similar stages. Sadly, and I've checked this, there are no charities specifically set up to pay writers' overdraft charges while they wait for cheques to come in, so although I might be owed enough money to cover three months, say, of writing outlines, concepts and even entire scripts on spec, I actually seem to be losing money, which is almost entirely the opposite of my business plan.

Traditionally, writers like to blame EVIL PRODUCERS for this sort of thing, or LAZY AGENTS, but I don't think this is the case. It seems more like a case of broadcasters being very careful with their budgets, with a lot of production companies chasing fewer and fewer slots. So.... dunno, any other writers having the same problems? Or producers or agents who'd like to give a bit more context? All comments gratefully received, and may help me write a better short article without looking like a tit.

Right, I'm taking the chiddlers out for a walk now. I expect your answers ON MY DESK.

OK Go vs Muppets

2011-08-23T13:44:00.004+01:00

I quite like this, although I reckon if I'd done the video, I'd have started with the Muppets nicking various bits of OK Go videos then being caught in the act, leading to a chase through all the other videos (and maybe lots of other famous pop videos). But no-one ever asks me how to do ANYTHING.

Via Bleeding Cool

The Two Marks archive footage

2011-08-08T08:08:00.005+01:00

As sourced by the ever-magnificent Louis Barfe, here's some lovely archive footage of Mark Heap (Green Wing's 'Statham' and Spaced's 'Brian'), in a previous incarnation as fifty per cent of double act 'The Two Marks' (along with Mark Sagan, who is now, if Dan Owen is to be believed, a 'Jungian therapist and analytical psychologist'), on gameshow '3-2-1' in 1987. The man can juggle.

'Tone' part 5 - Writers

2011-07-11T07:26:00.003+01:00

Couple of writers have been kind enough to get back to me on 'tone'.

James Moran (Severence, Doctor Who, Primeval, Torchwood) says:

I always treat it as "what *kind* of horror/scifi/chicken-snuff story is it" - for example, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica are both TV science fiction shows. But Firely is a fun, action-adventure show with plenty of laughs and witty banter amongst the dangerous situations, whereas BSG is a dark, gritty, serious show with parallels to the recent war in Iraq. Basically, is it a funny show or a serious show. Or both. Or whatever. I usually put a line or two in near the start to make it clear what sort of thing it is, and usually mention a couple of shows that, while they may have different setups and live in different genres, will have a similar tone or feel to this one. Innit.

And Ben Teasdale (Coming Up, Spine Chillers, Twisted Tales) says:

Isn't it also somehow a kind of CONTRACT between the writer and the audience? You set up in the first few scenes the kinds of flavours and emotional notes you're going to be playing with - like the emotional DNA of the piece - and then the audience know "where they are" with it. It's like setting out your stall - people know what they're signing up for.

And then, while people want and expect to be "surprised" in terms of the actual Things What Happen, they DON'T, as a rule, want to be surprised by a sudden change of "tone". It's like changing the RULES of the thing - the emotional equivalent of gravity suddenly working in the wrong direction, or people whipping out blaster guns in the middle of a historical scene. If you've set that up as part of the "rules" up top, people are fine with it - but not if it's late enough to cause a disjunct.

For me the prime exemplar of how to lay down tone swiftly and elegantly is the pre-credits tease of the first ep of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Boy and girl break into school at night - some sexual goofing around - he's pretending to scare her, it's funny but with an edge that there MIGHT be menace lurking there somewhere - then boom, switcheroo, she bares her fangs and it turns out she's the vamp and kills him. Pretty much all the flavours of the next seven seasons of it are right there in those first few minutes, so we trust it whenever it cleaves to them, and when it doesn't - it requires work to win our trust again (cf. the Spike/Buffy rape stuff).

You CAN do jolting things with tone, but it tends to put you in the territory of arthouse stuff - eg. the end of There Will Be Blood, where it all comes down to *SPOILER ALERT* a guy smacking another guy's head in with a bowling ball. For me that's a gear shift - like going from 2001: A Space Odyssey to A Clockwork Orange - but it kind of works because it's a self-consciously arty film, and the THEME (violence and power) holds it together.

'Tone' part 4 - a BBC script editor speaks

2011-07-08T08:31:00.003+01:00

Had this email from Madeleine Sinclair, BBC script editor on South Riding and Robin Hood, as well as, in another incarnation, Primeval. I've also been working with her for some time developing my BBC4 eighteenth century comedy/drama thing.

Maddie says:

"I'd say tone is really the feel of the piece - it's what sets expectations really. The tone of the script helps you to understand what to expect from it - and so when something leaps out that feels unexpected (and not in a good way), it's often because it's tonally not a fit.

(An example that springs to mind for some reason... is when I found myself watching Deathproof at a festival in Amsterdam... I sat down in the midnight hours, a little worse for wear, thrilled to be treated to an outdoor rom-com watching experience with all my pals... I saw Kurt Russell (and was hoping for Goldie Hawn) in a rednecky sort of bar, flirting with a barmaid who I think may have been wearing his cowboy hat. He offered to give her a ride home... So far, so good. She even satin the back of his car... All very chivalrous... He asks her if shewants to go left or right... She makes the mistake of giving the wronganswer and before you know it, her brains are dripping down the window.

As the colour drained from my face and I reached for a sick bag, I realised I had made the error of misjudging the tone of this film! All the signals were there for rom-com fun and suddenly, I was inhorror-ville. (Yes, I'd got the genre and style wrong too - but it feltrom-com like in tone if you ask me (for those few minutes anyway)... And then suddenly blood and guts a go-go).

However, if I'd been aware of the title, my expectations would have been set... and had I not been so inebriated, I probably would have questioned why a field full of blokes were so eager to watch it! Guess the point I'm trying to make is how important tone is in setting expectations - and what can happen when you misjudge it!

Establishing the tone of something is crucial really in defining what it is and how it should be executed - before every drama begins shooting, there's always a big tonal meeting where the director (informed by the writer of course!) sets out his vision and all the HoDs talk about how they're going to achieve this... (Sure you know all this but just thought it might help in your exploration of what the flip 'tone' really means).

Tone is the defining characteristic of a piece really - you can have two very different dramas about the same subject that are differentiated by their tone... Bad example but Waterloo Road vs. Teachers... Same territory, very different shows, very different attitudes. In fact, attitude is probably another useful way to think about tone - you can have two cop shows (same genre, same subject) but their attitudes can differ hugely and that, I'd say, was down to tone."

'Tone' - part 3

2011-07-06T07:43:00.002+01:00

I can't comment on my own blog at the moment, as Opera seems to be playing up, so here comes another comment turned into an actual blog post.

gillpea said...

"One thing is niggling me about your cooking analogy. You're employed as a scriptwriter so the comparison should really be on a professional level. If I went to a restaurant I would expect the chef to be able to say their dish is 'delicious' or 'exciting', because it's their job to make it that. I think you writing a spec is closer to the chef deciding what dish he wants to try to perfect, before he starts trying different ingredients/methods etc. And at that point, it's rare for most chefs to be working without support from previous chefs. Which is like you saying 'this spec is Spooks crossed with Animal Hospital'."

I quite like the 'X crossed with Y' setup, as a means of selling your idea, although I think it's a bit frowned upon if you do it too blatantly. Maybe it's best to try and subtly lead the person you're pitching to come to that conclusion themselves. Like 'Inception'.

Re. the 'delicious' or 'exciting' thing - see, I think it's a bit presumptuous to give that sort of description before the actual script has been read (bear in mind we're talking about outlines here, where the actual script is yet to be written. It's a bit like when dads say 'I know a joke, and it's a really funny one!' Because that's up to the listener to determine once they've heard it. More specific descriptions of how you see the final product, be it script or meal, are probably more balanced and helpful.

MEAL: I wouldn't say 'this meal is going to be delicious!' But I might say 'this meal is going to be a bit more coriander-y than most people like, but the sauce is a bit richer/darker than I normally do it. which should balance things out a bit'.

OUTLINE: I wouldn't say 'this crime drama is going to be really exciting and dramatic!' because, well, you'd hope it would be anyway. But I might say 'the show has a murky, noirish feel, although its rural setting allows a fresh take on the old noir tropes'.

OH YES I SAID TROPES

'Tone' - part 2

2011-07-05T16:04:00.004+01:00

Interesting and useful comment from Phill Baron on the previous post, which I thought deserved promoting to a post of its own. Phil says:

"Is the tone not the limited range of emotions you sell to people in order to get them to watch/commission?

So the genre might be Western, but the tone is a lighthearted comedy - you expect to chuckle along without having to really think about it. If it was described a hilarious comedy then you'd expect to laugh out loud most of the way through. Gentle comedy means it's not that funny and might be a bit sad or just sweet ... and so on.

For me, not being able to understand the tone usually means the events of the story require you to lurch wildly from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.

So if you were chuckling along to a Richard Curtis comedy and suddenly a bomb goes off and there's 20 minutes of weeping while people pick bits of Hugh Grant out of their hair in graphic, unpleasant, nauseating detail, then it goes back to a gentle posh-English rom-com ... it's a bit weird. Tonally, what is it? How are you supposed to react? How do you explain that to people?

"It's a warm-hearted, gentle comedy about a struggling, family-owned Yorkshire biscuit factory." lets you know what kind of emotional range you're going to appeal to.

"It's a warm-hearted, gentle comedy about rape." doesn't.

Thinking about it, does the tone then help place the show on a channel at a specific time/day?

I might be completely wrong about this (and I'll happily admit I don't know nothing about nothing) but maybe if producers can't see the tone it's because there are two elements which don't sit comfortably together or perhaps aren't integrated properly?

You know, like 'Sean of the Dead' is funny first, horror second with the comedy poking fun at the horror bits so there's nothing really scary in it. It doesn't go funny, scary, funny, scary in random bursts.

Not saying your outlines are doing that, of course; but maybe it's worth looking at?"

Which might be it, actually. I think the outlines I've been suggesting have relying heavily on the producer being easily able to see how all the fun stuff (stories, basically) can flow naturally from the clash between the two conflicting elements - whether they're comedy and horror, as with the 'Sean of the Dead' example, or, dunno, supernatural and romance, say. Not that these are elements that have never gone together before, but I've probably been expecting producers to connect the dots themselves to too great an extent. Realistic if they're familiar with genre, and a pleasing number are, but most aren't.

Also, I think yes, the 'tone' thing is very much about what time/place in the schedules the proposed show would have. I used to think 'why can't I just write the show how I want, and you work out where to put it?' - well actually I still think that, but I suppose that's not terribly helpful for the person who's trying to help you put the thing together.

Hmm. Cheers Phill.

'Tone'

2011-07-04T12:55:00.007+01:00

Here's part of an email I got last week from a producer, about an outline I've been working on for a supernatural themed show set here in Cornwall:

'While I love the combination of spooky and funny and there’s absolutely no reason they can’t be combined (and have been successfully before) I feel that the tones are just too conflicting.'

Which is a note I get wayyyy too often. Tones are either 'conflicting' or (worse, I think), 'confusing'. Often I'll meet a producer, having worked on an outline that defines a series' format, genre, central characters, future episodes and so on, and be met with the question 'yes, but what's the show's tone?'. And sadly, the response 'I don't know, I haven't written it yet' doesn't seem to be acceptable, which is a shame, because I like to write the way I cook: have a rough idea of what you want to make, find an appropriate playlist to bliss out to while you get on with, chuck in soya sauce/coriander/jokes about eighteenth century words for 'prostitute' and see what you end up with. So I tend to avoid describing a prospective show's tone altogether - which doesn't really work; in this case, the producer had just picked it up from my brief descriptions of how I saw the main character, the sort of stories I wanted to tell and so on. So not directly mentioning tone isn't going to get you out of it - you're still going to be asked. And in fact, whilst I was writing THIS VERY POST, I had another email on the same subject about a different outline. WELCOME TO MY WONDERFUL WORLD OF REJECTION:

Thanks so much for this. I've had a good think about it and after lots of head scratching I've decided I don't think it's a goer. So sorry to do this to you again. It's partly because I know there are at least two other (REDACTED) ideas going about - including one by (MORE FAMOUS WRITER THAN ME). So it's a competitive area but I also can't quite see the tone.

One problem is, I'm not entirely sure what they mean by 'tone' in the first place. Part of the problem is that 'tone' seems such a nebulous term; is a genre, or style? So I asked various telly people on ~~The Great Hivemind~~ Twitter what they mean when they talk about a script or outline's 'tone'.

@rosyposymagosy Interesting topic b/c I like(want) to write things where the subject and the tone clash (sad comedy) so wording becomes key. Exp: Meandering sentences, words out of Jane Austen era = more serious. Jaunty exclamations and obscene adj.'s =comedy.

@EddieRobson I think "tone" is a consistency thing. Is it all going to feel of one piece? I do think it's an issue with comedy-drama, where some scenes may be light, others heavy.

@EllardEnt (Andrew Ellard, Red Dward associate producer, IT Crowd script editor) Tempted to say "Whatever suits them at the time"! Depends on context but mostly the same as the rest of us, I guess.

@msmaddiep I suspect it's not dissimilar to when tone is used for voice. Is it bitchy? Snarky? Optimistic? Naive? Although that gets into another question of how you convey the voice of a whole show. Think it's often the cumulative voices of the lead characters, particularly the protagonist.

@ScriptwritingUK (Danny Stack) re: tone. I'd say they're talking about genre: "what is this thing? a crime drama? It reads like a Cornish dramedy!"

@kmpharwood (Kate Harwood, BBC, Controller, Series & Serials) Is it how you want it received? Luther is a crime show with a operatic tone; Silent Witness is a crime show with a gritty tone.

... all of which narrows it down a bit, suggesting that 'tone' in this context is really a further definition of something that's already been placed in genre, that helps the people commissioning it work out where and when the final result can be broadcast. So it's the partly style, partly sub-genre. Fine, you've outlined an idea for a spy thriller, but is it glossy, glamorous, fast-paced (Spooks), or subdued and downbeat (Smiley's People)?

I've always thought it was a bit presumptuous to describe a script's tone before it's completed - to continue the cooking analogy, you wouldn't tell people you're making something 'delicious' and 'exciting', because, well, it might not end up that way. But you should probably have some idea where your meal is going to be on the scale between, say, 'comfortingly bland' and 'spicy', and your description of tone should probably encompass this. So it's a question of refining exactly what I mean by tone, which I can do.

Or I could just stop doing outlines altogether and write everything on spec.

ADVANTAGES: the tone is right there on the page, and everyone knows where they stand. Also, writing is, kind of, you know, what you're supposed to be doing.

DISADVANTAGES: writing for no money is almost exactly the opposite of my business plan. Also, you can spend a month writing a spec pilot for a series about, say, modern-day witches, only to find every bugger and their cat is doing the same.

SO IN CONCLUSION: I was financially and emotionally better off when I worked in a bookshop. And there was free coffee.

CONTAINS HIGH DRAMA

2011-06-14T11:57:00.003+01:00

Because my parents are SELFISHLY away on holiday, I find myself looking after two small children for the whole of Tuesday. On closer inspection, both chidren turn out to be mine, which rules out putting them on ebay, small wicker basket down the river Fal river etc.

Instead, I drive to Kimberley park, which is a good park, and park the car right next to the park (Editor's not: too many 'parks' please amend before publishing).

Heaving both children into double pram, I put my keys into my fleece pocket temporarily, which turns out to be more temporary than I anticipated when they slither out and straight down a drain.

'Ooooooh! says the Girl One interestedly.

I DO NOT PANIC, because on closer examination, the keys are just within arms' length. Although sadly, the grille is too narrow for me to get my big calloused writer's hand through, and the Girl One's head is too big for me lower her down, then meet me where the drain meets the sea. I actually did consider this.

I STILL DO NOT PANIC. Instead, I walk calmly to the garage round the corner, procure from them a piece of wire, return to the drain, fashion end of wire into hook, retrieve keys, return wire to garage, give them a sum of money equivalent to a working class 'pint, and continue calmly on my way.

Conclusion: I AM BATMAN.

You can use the first class lounge though, which is nice.

2011-06-06T14:38:00.003+01:00

On Tuesday night, I will be getting the sleeper train to the capital for a bumload of meetings Wednesday, for which I have assured my agent I will be 'the charmingest motherflipper in London'. Note that I have been rewatching The Wire recently, and also that I didn't actually say that.

It's been a soiled dove's age since I was last in London (I don't know why all the swears, sorry), mainly because the Boy One has only recently started nursery all day Weds like his sister, making that the day I can go away and not leave Patroclus trying to run a copywriting agency whilst simultaneously looking after two small children who are constantly doing poos wees and sicks. I mean, she does have employees, but they are perfectly capable of sorting out their own poos wees and sicks, it's in their contract.

Anyway, I like getting the sleeper up, although you have to bear in mind the whole thing when the conductor person politely asks if you want a wake-up call at 7am is completely pointless, as the train gets in at about 5,15am, to the following station tannoy announcement:

TANNOY: ARGLE BARGLE BARGLE BARGLE!

... which works as a perfectly serviceable wakeup call all on its own, I find, in the sense that I scream 'ARGHWHATWAS THAT?!' and roll off the narrow bed onto the narrow floor, by which point I am almost completely awake. Then: meetings.

(I would be arranging to meet lots of lovely London people for coffees, but sadly it's looking my schedule leaves me about ten minutes in the middle of the day, then I have to get straight on the return train home again, booooooo)

I was going to write some stuff about pitching ideas, but my son has just done a big poo and REFUSES to sort it out himself.

I done wrote a spec sitcom script

2011-05-16T08:19:00.009+01:00

'Spec' is short for 'speculative', which means no-one commissioned you to write it, or probably even showed the slightest amount of interest in it as an idea, but you went ahead and wrote it anyway, because you're a writer and THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. Also I need to keep my agent happy, and giving him a shiny new spec script every now and then is a cheap way of doing this, like when I give my son a ricecake, and the slow smile that spreads across his face melts my heart as I think 'hahaha you fool, they were in a 3 for 2, and probably stale!'

Anyway, the last time I wrote a spec script (actually co-wrote with @Patroclus), I punted it up to various London types, then got the next train up to see how it had landed (this is how scriptwriters talk when we get excited, it's sad really).

PRODUCER 1: We loved it!
ME: Really?
PRODUCER 1: Seriously, we thought it was great. Timely, smart, funny (those were all @Patroclus's scenes). We'd love you to leave it with us, and maybe we could start sending it out to a few people.
ME: Hurrah!
PRODUCER: Although, erm, we haven't actually got any money at the moment.
ME: WELL GOODBYE!

I love it when producers say 'we haven't got any money'. When they say it, I like to take a long lingering look around their expensive London offices, the various members of staff in expensive glasses scurrying around with their iPads, and the gold-plated water coolers that dispense only Icelandic glacier juice, and then look back at them, with a cold, Paddington Bear-style stare.

Next meeting:

PRODUCER 2: It's not really working for us.
ME: Ahem, I think you mean 'we loved it!!!!!!'
PRODUCER 2: Not really, In fact, for a comedy, we couldn't see where the comedic element was supposed to be.
ME: Right, fine.
PRODUCER 2: At all.
ME: RIGHT, OKAY, YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.
PRODUCER 2: We still love you though. Kissy kissy.
ME: FINE. Kissy kissy.

Producer 2 is, genuinely, lovely, and it's far better for someone to tell you outright that your script doesn't work for them, than to show polite interest, then faff around for weeks trying to think of a nice way to say 'no'. The nicest way to say 'no' is just to say 'no'. Nicely.

Final meeting:

PRODUCER 3: We loved it!
ME: Mmm hmm.
PRODUCER 3: We had a read through, the whole development team went for it, we'd love to pick it up.
ME: Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
PRODUCER 3: If you get your agent to talk to us, we can discuss money!

Pause, while I blink for a bit. Eventually:

ME: (excited) MONEYS!

We have a few more chats, I do a little rewrite, as per their (intelligent, helpful) notes. Later I get word that the head of that particular production company read the script, hated it, and the whole thing is off.

Anyway, I'm sure this time it will all be different.

IN WHICH I RECEIVE A CROSS NOTE

2011-04-30T18:37:00.007+01:00

Ma famille, and the famille of VisualPersist had arranged to go for a picnic! Like all British picnics, our location (a playground near Argal Reservoir) ticked all the boxes of:

1. Being a bit cold.
2. Being near fields that smelled faintly, but distinctly, of manure.
3. Being, after about ten minutes, rained on.

So we upped to Trebah which is a large garden type place with a coffee bit outside but under umbrellas where we could mange our picnic with discretion. All very nice, and then we went back to the car where I found, tucked under my windscreen wiper, A NOTE!

And not just just any note. It was A CROSS NOTE. What I had done, you see, is just park the car in the middle of the carpark. This, I realise with hindsight, aided by THE CROSS NOTE, was the act of a buffoon.

If you can't read the note, I have quoted it below, Note there are two paragraphs, in different handwriting, which I have tried to replicate by quoting one in italics, the other in bold.

great work on Blocking us in thankyou! Could you not see that parking Behind us would not allow us to leave! Whats wrong with the rest of the carpark?

Having to remove the rope to actually leave the car park is not something we wanted to do to such a nice area!!

In short then, I had parked behind a car which had some rope in front of it, and in order to vacate the carpark, after presumably howling and sobbing for an hour, the blockees had been forced to move the rope.

But then it got worse. Because my wife Patroclus who has a far higher Perception skill than me turned over THE NOTE.

THE NOTE had been written on the only writing material the blockees had available, which appeared to be some sort of sexy wrapping paper! Containing words like: Submission Thrill Pleasure Desire Excitement Temptation!

None of which are words you expect to run across in a country garden, no matter how nice the coffee bit with umbrellas. Patroclus then proved her high Perception roll was no fluke by declaring both specimens of handwriting to be 'feminine'. Which means I have a far more thorough apology to prepare than I had previously considered, and here it comes now:

DEAR SEXY LESBIANS

Patroclus does not think that just because you are both ladies, and your cross note has been written on sexy wrapping paper, it follows that you are both sexy lesbetarians. I however am more worldly, and realise you are like Gertrude Jekyll* and Vita Sackville-Baggins (but younger and sexier, probably called Tilly and Eve) and spent a good morning browsing sexy Cornwall boutiques and saying things like 'But I mustn't!' and 'Tilly, you're so naughty! and then decided you just had time to dash to a nice garden place (with a good outside coffee bit with umbrellas) before it was time to go home and be all languid and stuff.

AND THEN SOME IDIOT BOXED YOU IN! I imagine you reacted thusly:

TILLY: A car is Behind us! However can we get out?

Ten minutes later:

EVE (timidly, Eve is probably the timid one, in fact in the early hours of the morning she sometimes doubts she is really a lesbetarian at all, but Tilly seems terribly keen): We could remove the rope to actually leave the car park?
TILLY: THAT'S NOT SOMETHING WE WANT TO DO TO SUCH A NICE AREA!
EVE: (wistfully) I do wish they had not parked Behind us and Blocked us in.
TILLY: But they did park Behind us and Block us in Eve, and that is all there is to it.
EVE: Could they not see that parking Behind us would not allow us to leave?
TILLY: (coldly) Clearly, Eve, they could not. You are a goose sometimes.
EVE: (meekly) Yes Tilly.
TILLY: Now what are the words of the day according to our favourite sexy boutique?
EVE: I don't remember, Tilly.
TILLY: They are Submission Thrill Pleasure Desire Excitement Temptation! Honestly Eve, sometimes I despair.
EVE: Is 'Despair' a word of the day?
TILLY: No Eve.

Long pause.

EVE: We're going to have to move the rope, aren't we?
TILLY: AND LEAVE A NOTE!

Anyway, again, my apologies.

* I may be thinking of Violet Trefusis.

Development Executives

2011-04-18T11:59:00.015+01:00

Recently I had a meeting with a development executive for a medium-size but up-and-coming production company. Development executives are the filter that stop screenwriters leaping into production companies, running up to actual producers and shouting 'Let's do the show right here in the barn!', whilst stealing all the biscuits and trying to use the free wi-fi to look at X-rated Thundercats fanfiction.

The meeting seemed to go okay, unlike the last time I had a meeting with some development executives at a (slightly larger and more successful) production company, where we all got on very well right up until the point where they actually said 'Right, well, are there any of our shows you fancy writing for?' I hadn't really expected this, having gone in specifically to pitch a few ideas of my own, and so quickly looked around at the posters on the walls, only to realise I didn't actually like any of their shows.

'Erm,' I said, 'not really'. Instantly I felt a disturbance in the writing force, as though thousands of agents suddenly looked up and rolled their eyes. 'Hahaha that's okay, obviously!' they said, but the remaining thirty seconds of the meeting were, I remember, frosty.

Anyway, this wasn't like that, this was a good meeting, and I followed up with an email with five or six half-page concepts for series, one of which grabbed the Development Executive INSTANTLY, so that within a week, we'd set up a meeting with a major commissioner at the BBC. One nice sign that we thinking along the same lines was when we simultaneously revealed our choice of actor for the main part - only for it turn out we were thinking of the same person.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE: And you say you know him?
ME: (smugly) Let's just say I've written for him, and we're both on Twitter.
DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE: So 'no' then.
ME: Not really, no. But I'm going to ask him on Twitter, and let's see what happens next.

He didn't get back to me, obviously, and the BBC turned the concept down. None of which mattered that much, because Development Executive and I both realised there was enough of a hook in the concept we could muck about with it a bit and start sending it around to other places with a reasonable expectation of at least getting a treatment commissioned.

Then I got another phone call.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE: I've been sacked.
ME: OMG! That's awful! How does this affect MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Because development executives are like pets: they're soft and cute, make funny 'yipping' noises when they're happy, and the moment you think you're building up a long-lasting and emotionally fulfilling relationship with one, your emails get bounced back with an attachment telling you your new friend's suddenly had to go and live on a farm with lots of other development executives, where they're all very very happy together, and spend their time focus grouping outlines for comedy dramas written by a team of rabbits and voles.

What I could have done was take the outline back and start sending it to other production companies. But because MY HEART RULES MY HEAD (*makes a face like a Kray Twin*) I said the Development Executive could keep the idea and start sending it around again when she gets back on her feet. In my head it's like giving a drowning man a lifejacket. In reality, it's more like giving a drowning man a pack of tissues and saying 'There you are, these absorb water'.

I haven't heard from her since. She's probably living on a farm now.

A True Story

2011-04-06T20:10:00.005+01:00

If you happen to be in Turo sometime before April 26th and I see no reason why you wouldn't, there's a shipping container plonked down on Lemon Quay (the main open space where they have farmers' markets). In fact, there are fifteen shipping containers plonked down all over Cornwall, but the one in Truro is special, because it has a poster/short story combination by MEEEEEEE in it, as part of Cornwall Design Season put together by Rob Self-Pierson

Here below is what it looks like, although if you actually go inside the shipping container and point an iPhone style device at it, an actor will apparently read the words aloud to you, in words.

a true story poster, a photo by jamesandthebluecat on Flickr.

However, if you can't make it to Lemon Quay in Truro before the 26th April, you can read my contribution here It is a short story I wrote about a formative theatrical experience I SHALL SAY NO MORE.

Anyway, loads of time and effort has gone into making my, and all the other bits of writing look quite quite lovely. I like the way with my one, the designer tried to make sure the actual writing took up as little of the space as possible, filling the vast majority of the poster with a single quote mark, which I think is some sort of statement re: designers' feelings towards writers which are apparently comprised principally of hatred. This aside, it still looks nice.

One good reason...

2011-04-04T21:14:00.004+01:00

(includes very mild CAMPUS spoilers)

...to get as many spec scripts under your belt as possible is that when you've started to get your name known a bit, at least by the twelve people who might give you work, those producers who have a show in development and are looking for new writers are going to start asking for sample scripts. And they're going to want to see something at least vaguely in the same format.

So unless you want to write exactly the same thing over and over again (and some writers do), it's handy to have a sample scripts, from your own original ideas, that cover at least the basic formats. Of course, sometimes you have to interpret what they want a little, like what I done today.

PRODUCER: Hi, I'm looking for new writers for a new kids' show, which is sort of a half hour comedy thing, with puppets. Do you have a sample script I could take a look at?

I have a quick flick through my recent scripts. The latest is the thing I'm doing for BBC4 is this 18th century adaptation, filled with whores*, booze and slapstick (mainly comprised of the protagonist falling over whilst in the middle of booze). It is wildly unsuitable. But it is also, I reckon, quite funny. And half an hour long.

ME: YES SIR I DO!

So we'll see how that goes.

* In other whorish news, I was pleased to discover that a scene I wrote for the Campus pilot which involves a discussion of 18th century terms for prostitutes, but was cut out for length, has made it back into the revised episode one. Huzzah! So a big week for Georgian whores, which is nice.

Working at home.

2011-03-14T05:25:00.002Z

5.00 am: Alarm goes off. THIS IS MY CHANCE TO WORK BEFORE THE CHILDREN AWAKE. I trudge to front room to retrieve laptop.
5.02 am: Cat begins noisily retching outside door.
5.10 am: I open Final Draft, and type first sentence in current draft of 18th century comedy drama adaptation, introducing Zombie Samuel Johnson.
5.11 am: 6 month old son begins bibbling in next room.
5.12 am: Working day ends.

Canimals

2011-03-11T07:55:00.004Z

Coo, the 'Canimals' project I was working on with Aardman with some other lovely writers now has a bit of footage up on YouTube! This is the sequence we saw in the first writer's meeting that made us all lean forward and go 'oooooooh'.

Meetings in Television

2011-02-28T11:37:00.005Z

My two and a half year old daughter has come up with an excellent way of making a sentence, when you're not entirely sure of every specific word you need, by padding out the excess with the words 'WUBWUBWUBWUB'.

Hence: 'want toast and jam WUBWUBWUBWUB warm milk please'. This does make it sound like I'm sharing the house with a tiny dubstep producer, but it's a technique I've started using in my meetings, mainly because my last few meetings have all been WEIRD.

Seriously, writers are always fretting about how to scrub up properly and maintain the illusion of being a functional human being in meetings, but I'm starting to think producers need to work on this just as much.

MEETING ONE:

Producer takes me through achingly trendy office (all exposed industrial space and a Grifter nailed to one wall) to meeting room. Although it's probably called 'WOMBZONE', what with its reliance on organically shaped beanbags and table that look like melted Airfix kits.

PRODUCER: So hey, read your stuff, like your stuff, think we can work together-

Producer sits down on an organically-shaped beanbag that's clearly about a foot lower than he expected, and very slowly rolls off the beanbag and onto the floor. Fantastically, he keeps his iPad held aloft the entire time.

PRODUCER: -get you a coffee?

I APPLAUD WILDLY.

MEETING TWO:

I am having a meeting with a comedy producer, to discuss a spec pilot sitcom script Patroclus and I have written together. It is set in the tech industry, although we've been very careful to make sure the tech stuff is at a minimum, you don't really need to know anything about technology to understand it, it's just really about people behaving like dicks. But, you know, amusingly.

PRODUCER: (wild-eyed) WHAT'S FACEBOOK!

(note, this meeting was less than a year ago)

ME: It's, erm.... seriously, how do you not know what Facebook is? I mean, I don't like it particularly, but-

PRODUCER: Is it like Twitter?

ME: (cautiously) Ish?

PRODUCER: The runner uses Twitter. That script you sent me is all about tech stuff, so I thought you might be able to tell me what Face book is.

PAUSE

ME: You do know I came up from Cornwall for this.

PRODUCER: I don't really get all this geeky stuff. You need to take it out of your scripts, I could probably do something with them then.

ME: Right, only the new script I sent you? What Patroclus and did was, we made sure although it is set in the tech industry, we kept the tech stuff is at a minimum, you don't really need to know anything about technology to understand it, it's just really about people behaving like dicks.

PRODUCER: I didn't understand a word of it, there was all techy stuff in it. You should send me some ideas. Couple of pages, one paragraph each. WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO STUFF TOGETHER.

Later I email the producer some ideas. They don't get back to me. A month later I send some more. I still haven't heard anything.

MEETING THREE:

ME: Right, so, the outline's for 6x60 minutes episodes, it's kind of a crime drama, but not murder of the week sort of thing, more like the crappy investigation jobs real detectives have to do - minor embezzlement, divorce cases, that sort of thing, but the cases always spin off into more elaborate stories, Kind of funny, slightly surreal sometimes. So there's bits of ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN in there, BIG LEBOWSKI, kind of a Chandleresque vibe. But with room to go into slightly spooky urban territory, there's one story where I want to draw on J-Horror, like THE RING, DARK WATER, that kind of thing.

Long pause.

PRODUCER: So this is a sitcom?

ME: Erm... no. Sixty minute crime drama? There will be funny bits in it, but it's really more-

PRODUCER: What's it like living in Cornwall? My partner and I are thinking of relocating.

ME: Is this why you got me up here?

PRODUCER: Partly, yes.

I panic.

ME: WUBWUBWUBWUB 'EDGY'!

PRODUCER: (instantly) YOU'RE HIRED!

This last bit didn't happen, sadly.

Literally Curtains

2011-02-01T07:29:00.004Z

I have a problem with any element of home improvement/DIY, being as it often involves measuring, which is a mostly reality-based procedure, and therefore something I have great difficulty with.

I tried to measure up and purchase a curtain pole/curtain combo before, and the procedure went like this:

1. Carefully measure width of window.
2. Go to DIY place, realise I have left measurement behind.
3. Guess approximate length of curtain pole I will need.
4. Get home, realise I have bought, essentially, a small piece of kindling. And no curtains.
5. Return to DIY store, with measurements this time, buy much longer curtain pole and strangely short curtains.
6. Get home, realise I have measured width in inches, length in centimetres.
7. Realise that I also wrote down the inches as centremetres, and the centimetres in inches.
8. Buy blind instead.

Yesterday I went into daughter's room, pulled on the blind cord (don't worry, the cord is securely hooked up so no-one other than me can get tangled on it, I watch the CBeebies thing about alpaca health and safety inspectors, it's bloody good actually) and the whole thing collapsed.

After some time spent looking one of our eight tape measures (if I can't find the piece of technical equipment I need immediately, I go and buy another one, hence our home's collection of one thousand Phillips head screwdrivers, I might build an ossuary out of them one day, like that one in Greece, although I'm not sure how I'll fix them into the wall, think about it) I measure up the window. This time I am very careful to use centimetres.

We go to Falmouth's premiere Europhobe bargain department store (no European commissioners are hanging in effigy near the entrance this time, which is nice) and Patroclus buys some curtains. And linings. We have a curtain pole from the last time it all went wrong. I don't know what happened to the curtains.

One the way home in the car:

ME: (quietly) I was in the wrong room.

Indeed. What I had done is walk out of my daughter's room, go downstairs, find the tape measure, go back upstairs into my son's room, and measure the window there. IF YOU SAW THIS IN A SITCOM YOU WOULD SNORT IN DISGUST AND TURN IT OFF.

Anyway, it turned out that despite son's window being half the size of daughter's window, Patroclus had panicked and bought curtains that were way too big, and in fact our combined problems with reality/being outside/doing things had cancelled each other out and it was all fine. THIS IS WHY MARRIAGE WORKS, PEOPLE.

Anyway, I then found a spare bit from the last broken blind that I had carefully put in my man-drawer and thus was exactly the bit I needed (in your FACE McIntyre) so I could in fact mend the original blind, which is now back up until it falls down again, at which point we have all the stuff we need to put the new curtains up, although it looks like I might need a new Phillips head screwdriver.

Script Editors' Notes: A Writers' Guide

2011-01-14T20:57:00.009Z

Whenever I finish the first draft of a thing, I always send it off, thinking 'This is the one! Finally the only note I will get back is an awed gasp followed by a whispered promise to rush this into production IMMEDIATELY because to deny the world such a heart-rending vision of beauty, hope and truth would be an act so grossly cruel as to be COMPLETELY UNTHINKABLE!'

In reality of course, what I get back are notes. And as you do more drafts, you get back more notes. And the more drafts you do on various projects, the more you start to recognize certain phrases, and learn to decipher what they really mean.

'We think this script has a lot of potential'. Your script contains basically one good idea, and fifteen awful ones.

'We were a little confused by the ending'. You don't appear to have written an ending.

'We love the new whimsical quality of your writing.' We are concerned you might be drunk.

'We love the increasingly dark quality of your writing!' We are concerned you might be on crack.

'We love the bold new energy in your writing!' We are concerned you might be Russell T. Davies.

'Your script still seems to be running a little short.' Selecting 'Control-A' and changing font size from ten to twelve in order to up the page count has fooled precisely no-one, buddy boy.

'This latest rewrite is a big step forward, but there's still a lot of work to do!' I don't think changing one line of a dialogue makes this a new draft, do you?

'Although your new approach to structure is interesting, it isn't necessarily moving the story on.' You've just put the scenes in a different order and thought I wouldn't notice.

'I feel we may be losing the spirit of the original draft. Why have you set it in space now?

'We're very excited by your choice to introduce tropes from other genres, but a little worried this might be straying from the original remit slightly.' ... and why is the detective hero suddenly a werewolf?

'While scene 27 is a great addition, it might be familiar territory to some viewers' You totally stole that from Grandpa In My Pocket.

'We may have to trim a little of the dialogue for running time.' You don't have to start every conversation with 'Good morning/afternoon, Character (X)! How are you since I last saw you?! I have been well, thanks for asking.'

'We're pleased to see a more hard-nosed attitude to the practicalities of the story.' On the other hand, well done on that two page conversation about how great the main character's Toyota is.

On the other other hand, if the only note you get is 'Thanks (X) all looks fine, will pass on', that means 'Our production company is about to go under and I am about to use any time I have left to work on my CV', so then it's really time to worry.

Things I Learned in 2010

2010-12-29T11:36:00.007Z

When you've got a two year old, a four month old, and you and your partner are both trying to work full-time, it's really really difficult to keep on top of working, cleaning, cooking and keep the blog going. Hopefully things'll pick up again in 2011.

(a couple of people have asked if I've 'knocked the blog on the head', which FAIR BROKE MY HEART)

Anyway, things that happened, but I didn't have time to blog about:

1. I was warned by a film producer to 'be very wary of Keira Knightley', who apparently can be 'very manipulative'. I wasn't working on a project with her or anything, the producer just said this out of the blue. To date, despite my constant vigilance, I have not been manipulated by Keira Knightley.

2. whilst pushing The Boy One to Falmouth in his pram, a tile slid off a roof and crashed to the pavement behind me exactly where we had been standing only a few seconds ago. I had been thinking about God at the time (not in that way, I was writing an outline for a series about angels WITH GUNS). So the things that occurred to me after I shouted 'Meep!' and jumped about a foot in the air were:

a) That could have killeded us!
b) But I had been thinking about God.
c) God tried to kill me!
d) And failed! In your face God, I AM IMMORTAL

However I suspect this was only applicable for 2010. I wish I'd done more now.

3. I can't think of anything else. The blog probably didn't miss out really.

Or maybe he's some sort of... 'Crime Traveller'

2010-12-01T11:17:00.005Z

Currently working on a one-page outline for a possible crime series. After the first draft, about an ex-cop father turned private detective and his teenage daughter working together to solve crime, I realise I've just outlined 'Veronica Mars'. Which was perfectly good when it existed as 'Veronica Mars'.

In the second draft I make the detective an ex-fireman, and add a slightly gormless male sidekick, then realise I've just written an outline for Boon

Still, the new draft, about a clumsy cyborg cop and his genius niece called Penny looks a bit more OH BOLLOCKS I DONE IT AGAIN.

EPISODES with Stephen Mangan and Tamsin Greig

2010-11-19T08:05:00.015Z

And some American bloke.

In which S. Mangan and T. Greig play gorgeous and successful British comedy writers ALMOST* CERTAINLY BASED ON THE WRITERS OF GREEN WING.

* the given value of the word 'almost' in this instance is variable.

LOSE WIGHT* NOW, ASK ME HOW

2010-11-11T09:03:00.001Z

I'm up in London for a ton of meetings. At my hotel, it turns out it's slightly too early to check in to my room, but much too early for my first meeting, so I bimble back to Paddington station to get a coffee.

On the way, a lady gives me a card advertising a thing of some kind. I put the card in my pocket, and as I do so, feel my wedding ring fall off my finger.

Hmm. I put my ring back on, and it falls off again. Hurrah, I have lost weight! I put the ring in my wallet to keep it safe, and three seconds later I am struck by a TERRIBLE FEAR and phone Patroclus.

ME: Hello hello, you know how every time I go to London I have some sort of exciting battle against ninjas, or my building gets taken over by terrorists like in Die Hard, or I'm very nearly taken out by snipers BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH (the unlikeliest scenario), but each time I just make it back in one piece?
PATROCLUS: Sure.
ME: Well if I don't make it back this time, and the authorities find my wedding ring in my wallet, I didn't take it off because I was having an affair or owt, it's just that it kept sliding off of its own accord, so I've put it in my wallet for safe keeping.

Patrocus is reassured by my explanation, and does a very good impression of someone to whom the possibility of her sexy and newly-svelte husband even having an affair had never even occurred (I wrote that last sentence three times and it still looks wrong). Anyway, to some, this could sound like DANGEROUS COMPLACENCY, especially considering my photographic recall of various editions of the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, that shiz is like catnip for sexy London ladies, don't pretend it isn't. But nevermind, I have set Patroclus's mind at rest, I know how she worries. Or would worry if I ended up as the mysterious corpse in a CSI-style slightly rubbish show, being poked about by handsome forensic scientists who need to put all the pieces together (not my pieces, it's too late for that).

After the call I put my hand back in my pocket and remember the card, Taking it out, it turns out to be an advert for some sort of Tantric Sex facility, located only five minutes from Paddington Station.

I ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.

I won't give out the exact address of the Tantric Sex place, as some of my blog readers may not have the impressive powers of self-control that I do (it was lovely font, I really wanted to go and ask them about it), or the ability to recite monsters from the Monster Manual until all the Tantric Sex ladies stop bothering me and just answer my font questions.

Maybe I didn't lose weight though. Maybe it's just a bit cold, and my fingers have gone a bit withery, like a lich's (MM1 4th ed. p176).

Later I have my first meeting, at which I display my customary high levels of energy, lighting up the room. Afterwards:

PRODUCER: You seem a bit tired, do you want a lie down? Also you look gaunt.

'GAUNT'! I HAVE LOST WEIGHT! I bet they have scales in that Tantric Sex place, I did think of going and asking, but I worried I might run into Sting, so have chosen not to, the end.

* a 'wight' (MM 4th ed p.262) is a kind of undead monster, akin to, but not exactly the same as, the lich.

'Why Writers Need To Blog'

2010-11-04T11:31:00.006Z

As part of a talk to the Professional Writing M.A. course at University College Falmouth, I had a chat with Sophie Cowles about blogging and professional writing, a recording of which is up here:

'Why Writers Need To Blog'

At the time I was recovering from a chest infection, and suffering from lack of sleep brought on by having an eight-week-old baby yelling all over the shop, so I have no idea if I made any sense at all. If you've listened to it and I didn't, why not shout at me about it in the comments section?

UPDATE: actually, if I had picked the headline myself, I would have called it 'Why Writers Should Definitely Try Blogging, But If They Find It's Not For Them, Fine, At Least They Gave It A Go'. But it's not as snappy.

In which I post an idea given to me by my daughter, in the style of The Apprentice

2010-10-23T14:00:00.011+01:00

I don't watch The Apprentice, although Patroclus does occasionally, because she enjoys the enormous disparity between its vision of Business World, and her own experience of it. I usually go and have a bath when it's on, and try and read an RPG rulebook or something, but I can still hear it in the background, even when I'm actively trying to drown myself to avoid it.

The worst part is, of course, the bit where they have to go and pitch something, which is the only point where The Apprentice crosses over with my own life experience, apart from the bit when they they sing the theme from Superman to Alan Sugar, although this may not actually have happened, I was trying to drown myself, and sometimes you hear voices.

I occasionally have to pitch ideas to producers, which is only fun if you actually know and get on with the producers, in which case you're essentially just having a pleasant chat about stuff you're enthusiastic about, with the possibility of someone agreeing to give you money at the end, which is always nice. If you're pitching to someone you've never met before, it's a horrible experience, which is why I've decided next time I'm in London and have to pitch summat, I will take ideas given to me by my daughter, and pitch them in the style of a contestant from The Apprentice.

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY

I kick the door in.

ME: (shouts) THE STORY AS YOU KNOW IT IS DEAD!
PRODUCER ONE: Christ.
ME: This is a one-time offer, it expires in ONE MINUTE'S TIME, and if you don't go for it, you are LITERALLY MAD.
PRODUCER TWO: Pitch me. Pitch me now and pitch me hard.

I glare around the room, establishing dominance until the producers are sweating and farting, audibly parping with fear.

I look down at the notes from my story conference with my daughter.

ME: There is a duck. And a poo. And (whispers dramatically)... a bear.
PRODUCER ONE: (nervous) Is there a location?
ME: Did you not hear 'bear' and 'poo'?
PRODUCER TWO: You're talking 'Ext' 'Woods'.
ME: I am 'Ext'ing all over the 'Woods'. Like a great Exting bear.
PRODUCER ONE: Christ.
ME: I AM WALKING TO THE BBC RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO CALL MY AGENT.
PRODUCER TWO: (urgent) Can we get an owl in? It's just that owls are so in right now.
ME: I don't see an owl, it's not that kind of show.
PRODUCER ONE: Could we compromise on a pellet?
ME: 'Compromising on a pellet' is LITERALLY my middle name.
PRODUCER TWO: I think we're in business.
ME: YOU'RE FIRED!
EVERYONE: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Freezeframe on everyone laughing. That is how television is LITERALLY made.

I'm clearly doing something very very wrong.

2010-10-15T13:44:00.003+01:00

From this this guardian article:

"I'm a self-employed television script writer, sharing the care of two children and grossing about £300k."

*jaw drops to floor*

I am also a self-employed television script writer, sharing the care of two children. However the most I've ever made in a year is about a fifth of that, and more usually I make around twenty to twenty-five thousand a year. So not bad compared to my old job working in a bookshop, but not swanning about in a glass carriage money by any means. I suspect 'WireDuck' works in continuing drama (soaps), where the hunger for new scripts is insatiable, and being able to turn in decent scripts to tight deadlines is (rightly) highly rated.

Soaps aside, this isn't a great job for financial stability. One friend of mine made eighty grand one year, and eight the next, despite working equally hard on scripts both years. And the tax system isn't really set up to deal with that sort of fluctuation, so you always need as big an amount as you can manage put aside for scary bills from the year you were doing well, which always arrive in the year you're not doing so well.

Christ though. £300k!

Bear in mind I don't go out much.

2010-10-12T09:06:00.002+01:00

Also that the most 'dressing up to go out' people get up to in Falmouth/Penryn is putting on a reasonably clean fleece.

I'm at a two day Aardman workshop, which involves staying at a hotel in Bristol. Some of the other writers and I meet up in the foyer for a drink. Also in the foyer are a group of young ladies in dresses that can only be described as 'short' and 'flimsy'.

ME: OHIGOD ARE THOSE PROSTITUTES?!

RICHARD: Erm, I think it's just a group of young women going for a night out.

ME: Oh.

A (more sensibly dressed) young woman sitting across the foyer gives me a funny look.

Later I realise my flies are undone.

I think work might actually be bad for you.

2010-10-06T21:38:00.002+01:00

As if deliberately adding to the list of embarrassing things she likes to shout out in public my daughter has a new catchall word for food in the biscuit/cake/muffin arena. It is this:

"TITS!"

And then the increasingly intense "TITS! TITS!"

So we haven't been to Caffe Nero for a bit. Still, meeting other dads on the way to nursery is fun, as we're now moving beyond going 'cuh' at each other, and I got into a conversation with one dad today during which it turned out he used to be a Soho-based director (not like that), which lead to a discussion on how you balance a self-employed creative type job with having a small child. OH YES PENRYN IS THE NEW CHISWICK.

DAD: You must be like me, spend a lot of time working until three in the morning just to get some peace.
ME: Oh god yes.

Two minutes later, after we have said our goodbyes.

ME: (quietly, to self) I don't even work past three in the afternoon.

More 'Cabinet of Curiosities' stuff

2010-09-22T10:27:00.004+01:00

This like one of those 'unboxing' videos, where someone gets a new X-box or something, only TEN TIMES more exciting because it's MY BOOK (purchase details over on the right there). The actual unpacking was done by Bureauista only for it to be snatched from her hands by a young person of impeccable taste.

OMG PENRYN HAS A ROBOT FACTORY

2010-09-15T13:13:00.003+01:00

Penryn, WHERE I RESIDE has a motherflipping robot factory.

Engineered Arts, in Penryn, will supply one of its Robothespians to welcome visitors to the Kennedy Space Centre this autumn.

The £79,500 ($122,000) robot is being developed by the seven-strong team to converse with visitors to the Florida centre.

Nasa chose the 5ft 9in tall Robothespian after seeing it in operation at a trade show.

Wait, they're only 5ft 9in? I COULD TAKE THEM. Problem resolved.

In other news, Blue Kitten has a mahusive eppy yesterday in Caffe Nero, due to expecting a toffee muffin, but getting only a lemon muffin. I showed her pictures of starving children in Africa etc, to no avail. She is only two (her birthday today!)

Back in Caffe Nero today (this isn't product placement, I like their coffee a lot and the staff are really lovely) I apologised/explained the previous day's descent into the arena of the Yellbeast. Caffe Nero Manager's eyes opened wide.

CNM: You know they're stopping making the toffee muffins?

*plays 'Disaster!' song from Zingzillas*

(the above post is due to lack of sleep and oxygen to the brain from constant coughing)

And out he did indeed pop.

2010-08-28T10:32:00.002+01:00

A boy, William Peter, born at 7.24am this morning in Helston, weighing 8lb 3oz, hurrah! Patroclus got to have peanut M&M's for breakfast (there were some left over from the Scott Pilgrim viewing) and we got home before they closed our road for Penryn Fair Day, which we intend to tell Will is entirely in his honour.

He has maintained this expression pretty much throughout. I can't really blame him.

My laptop done gone

2010-08-25T21:21:00.005+01:00

UPDATE: just discovered Patroclus' knackered old laptop from downstairs is also missing. Now narrowed it down to sometime in the last two weeks, which makes me wonder if 1) one of the previous occcupants' lodgers still has a key, and 2) they took advantage of everyone in Falmouth and Penryn going into town to see the Red Arrows the other day. Hmm, lock-changing time, I think.

Just realised that the laptop in my downstairs office, which I use mostly for accounts rather than exciting creative thing, has gone missing sometime in the last two weeks. I was clinging to the hope that I'd just moved it somewhere and forgotten, but now I'm running out of places to look.

Thing is, Patroclus and the Blue Kitten and I are home, or at least two out of the three of us are, almost all the time, so if someone did come in and nick it, they must have done so at night. Eurgh, it's horrible to think about, and most un-Cornish-like. Anyway, people have been kind enough to retweet my mention of this already, but if a white Powerbook (without power lead) has been hawked about at carboots or dodgy pubs in the Falmouth/Penryn/West Cornwall area in general, it may well be mine.

*feels rather vexed and let down in general*

In baby news, there is currently no baby news, as child 2 appears to be taking his own sweet time to arrive and we must respect this, and not let any irritation show until he is about fifteen, when we can suddenly ban him from going to that really important party for apparently no reason. REVENGE.

A quick 'ahem' and out he will pop.

2010-08-22T13:43:00.008+01:00

Not much blogging for the next couple of weeks or so, as Child 2 (AKA 'the boy one') is already overdue, and soon the sitting around waiting and going 'tch' will turn into OH GOD WHERE ARE THE NAPPIES WHY WON'T HE GO TO SLEEP OH HE'S GONE TO SLEEP I CAN'T STOP SHOUTING.

So in the meantime, lookie, my childrens' book is now available on Kindle!

'The Cabinet of Curiosities - Kindle edition'

For the grand price of £3.63 (I set it as $4.99 in US dollars, which of course then transferred to a rather odd-sounding amount in stout english pounds). Of course there is still a completely free version on pdf

... and finally a rather lovely actual physically pick-up and read in the bath 'book' style book available from lulu, if you click on the piccy below:

While I'm sticking stuff up that might hang around for a while, here are the various interviews I've done with people working in different bits of the TV industry. Got some more lined up, but if there are any job titles which mystify you, put them in the comments section (this is not the time for amusing 'best boy' jokes thank you) and I'll see what I can do.

INTERVIEWS:

BBC script editor - Joe Donaldson

Agent - Matt Connell

Childrens' Television writer and fantasy novelist - Alex Williams

Composer - Garry Judd

The correct answer is, of course, 'a card stand'.

2010-08-16T08:46:00.001+01:00

In many ways, Chez Blue Cat/Patroclus is like a literary salon of the olden days, where they had big hats and gas lights. Consider the following conversation.

CONSIDER IT:

ME: ... although I never liked the Sherlock Holmes books that much to be honest, there were always umpty-tum reasons people might have a bit of pale mud on their turnups or summat, didn't automatically mean their sister was having an affair with a interior decorator just back from the Crimean or whatevs, anyway I always preferred Edgar Allen Poe's Dupin, who totes preceeded Holmes and invented the whole 'deductive reasoning' thing, although he called it 'ratiocination', 'The Adventure of the Purloined Letter' is great, someone hides a letter in the last place you'd expect, completely the last place, where do you think the last place anyone would look for a letter is, where do you think he hid it?
PATROCLUS: UP HIS ARSE.

A shocked silence ensues. Finally:

ME: Well!

(I think it's a letter rack, it was ages since I read it)

Gah.

2010-08-09T08:32:00.006+01:00

After a year and a half of development, and positive reactions all the way up the BBC Drama food chain (well, right up until it got the Really Big Desk) Cornish Cop project for BBC Drama has been turned down for a series commission. Early indications suggest the tone of it just didn't click with the last person who had to make the decision. Which is gutting, obviously, but there we are, can't be helped.

It's not the end of the line - the script's now going over to Comedy to see if it's something that would sit better over there - but even if they embrace it with open arms, it's very unlikely to be picked up unchanged, and the procedural element (it's a proper cop show, with crime plots, and investigations) is likely to have to go. Which would be a great shame - the show was a direct attempt to have something with a real dramatic base, but a bit more wit and fun up top than you tend to get in that 9pm slot - and more to the point, I was loving working with Sarah the producer and Joe the script editor (with whom I developed my similarly fated teen drama pilot) and was thinking this was finally going to be the time we all got to take something right into a series.

I was just starting dare to compile a little list of other writers I would have loved to get in to write episodes, and working up a spreadsheet of plot arcs, and all that. As I said, 'Gah'.

Still, after having a weekend to get over it, I can laugh Rejection in his fat stupid face, and without wanting to sound too Pollyannaish, here are some reasons why:

1. Dude, I still totally got paid moneys for writing wordses, and they're never getting that back NEVER.
2. The script got an incredibly positive response from the senior BBC development bods, who I know are just as gutted as I am it didn't make it all the way to the top.
3. I now have a really strong hour long crime drama (okay, with comedy bits) script that my agent can show around, which might open a few new doors.
4. The comedy department person who's looking at it has a very good track record with comedy dramas, so even if Bandit Country (that was its name, sigh) isn't right for her, that's still someone who hasn't read my stuff before, so, you know, new contact.
5. While I was waiting to hear back on Bandit Country, I finished the first draft of the US superhero pilot script AND IT WAS GOOD (which, of course, you always feel about the first draft, the idea of the script editor ever coming back with anything other than 'OMG this is the bestest thing I have ever read you are AMAZUNG!' is laughable, but still).
6. If you aren't laughing Rejection in his fat stupid face at least once a month YOU ARE NOT A PROPER RITER.

The Blyth Report: Starcraft 2

2010-08-02T09:41:00.004+01:00

Thought this was funny, and very well put-together (particularly the Facebook bit). Also WARNING CONTAINS RUDIES:

Well it is.

2010-07-28T12:39:00.004+01:00

Sitting in local coffee shop with tiny daughture, now nearly two years old, reflecting on the pleasantness of the weather, the fact that the last draft of my cornish crime drama thing has now made its (possibly) final voyage to BBC Commissioning Chap, and generally feeling well-disposed and peaceful towards the world in general.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!

Slight pause.

ME: Hmm?
DAUGHTER: DEATH! DEATH! (pause) DEATH!

Coffee shop manager looks over in an amused-but-also-slightly-concerned sort of way.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!
ME: I think she's actually saying 'EGGS' or something, and it just sounds like 'DEATH'.

DAUGHTER: DEATH!

Another pause.

ME: Well, it's probably time we went to the supermarket.

In the supermarket:

DAUGHTER: SIX SIX SIX! SIX SIX SIX!

Cashier looks at me.

ME: (weakly) It's her favourite number.

IN OTHER NEWS: Orbyn has kindly put up my contribution to her Curious blog

35 Movies in 2 Minutes

2010-07-21T13:09:00.000+01:00

35mm from Pascal Monaco on Vimeo.

From Drawn

My Struggles With Sex Addiction (not like that)

2010-07-08T06:58:00.008+01:00

I had a call from a large broadcasting company last week (the following conversations are approximate, but thematically accurate).

PRODUCER: We've had an idea for a series, and we think you'd be the perfect person to write for it. We are REALLY excited!
ME: Now I am excited too! What's the idea?
PRODUCER: It's about sex addiction.
ME: Erm.

Later

AGENT MATT: I mean, they have met you, haven't they?
ME: Yes.
AGENT MATT: I still don't understand.
ME: Well, I'm going up for some meetings anyway, so I may as well talk to them about it.

In fact, the more I think about it, the whole sex addiction thing is a really good hook to get a load of different characters together. It might work. I do a few pages on it.

At the meeting before the sex addiction meeting (not like that) I am talking to a different producer.

DIFFERENT PRODUCER: ... they have met you, though?
ME: I know!
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Who's the producer?
ME: (the name)
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Wait, isn't she the one with whom you told me you acted out eighteenth century sex against a wall having?

I think about it.

ME: Oh.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Yes.
ME: Hmm.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: By the way, I like your new look. Sort of tweedy.

(I am wearing a proper actual shirt and suit jacket, and my hair has sort of gone a bit short and spiky with gel these days, although it's flopped a bit at the front, so the sides are the spikiest bits, shut up it's a look.

ME: Thank you! I was going for a Doctor Who sort of vibe.
DIFFERENT PRODUCER: Yes, I see that. Kind of... crossed with an owl.
ME: OH MY GOD OWLS ARE SO IN RIGHT NOW.

Later I have a meeting with the sex addiction Producer (not like that). We talk for a while about the concept, and try and figure out how it could work as a series, how you'd go in and out of the different characters' stories. And it's all really working quite well.

PRODUCER: This is really coming together! Why don't you talk with script editor over the next couple of weeks and we'll see about moving this on?
ME: Yes!
PRODUCER: And don't be afraid of making it quite edgy and graphic.
ME: (immediately) Okay, wait, I'm not the right person for this.
PRODUCER: Really?
ME: Mmm.
PRODUCER: You have had sex? I thought you said you had a second child due in six weeks.
ME: Yes. But I'm not actually very good at writing about it. I go all silly.
PRODUCER: Okay, no problem - the other thing I'm doing at the moment is trying to develop some science fiction concepts.
ME: WOOHOO!

All of which goes to show.

Different Producer, by the way, TOTALLY commissioned a pilot script about superheroes for an american channel. On the train on the way back I was all like 'oh hey sorry, I think I got a bit of awesome on you when I brushed past just then, sorry about that' and later when I had to walk down the corridor to get a thing, I was all 'tch, sorry, bit of awesome might have drifted onto your paper just then, not to worry, I have a lot of awesome to spare, what with being LITERALLY covered in awesome right now'. And I haven't even mentioned the Aardman meeting by the way, about which I should say: AMAZING.

However, I always find it a bit annoying when writers blog boring about how INCREDIBLE and COOL their new projects are, but can't say any details other than the INCREDIBLENESS and the COOLNESS, so I'll leave it there.

Friday Night chat show surely beckons

2010-07-02T12:15:00.008+01:00

Because I am never afraid to tread in the footsteps of those just slightly ahead of me on the career curve, I have taken Boz's advice and enlisted the Blue Kitten (age: 22 months) to embark upon a Offspring vs Parent interview challenge, a la Moffat vs Moffat. I carefully wrote out a quick ten-page fact sheet for BK, including interesting quotes, career highs (not all Bob The Builder based) and some prompt questions, what I'd take out of a burning house sort of thing (rpg books, lego, family, obviously, if there was time). LET THE INTERVIEW BEGIN!

BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a banana.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a plastic cow.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's me, your dad.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a shoe.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's your mum.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's your mum again.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's a Spot book.
BK: WAZZAT?
ME: It's the cat.

Long and somewhat thoughtful pause. I quickly take the opportunity to run through some of the difficult and life-changes decisions I have had to make for my career (basically saying 'yes' whenever someone asked if I felt like writing something for money). Finally:

BK: NNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!
ME: (wearily) It's a pooble.
BK: Yes.

Follow-up Steven Moffat interview post 'Big Bang'

2010-06-28T19:02:00.004+01:00

Ooh look, there's been a haircut.

"it is important to keep one's owl comfortable"

2010-06-25T12:02:00.006+01:00

LOOK!

How this came about then, first of all, Patroclus discovered that quite a lovely vintage boutique shop (these are the sort of words I use all the time) here in Falmouth called "Two Little Birds" is about to appear in a "Twenty Five Vintage Boutiques" list in the August edition of Vogue.

Which reminded me that I had bought this very cushion here as a present for Patroclus a month or so ago:

Oh yes, I frequently patronise vintage boutiques in Falmouth what are soon to feature in 'Top 25 Vintage Boutiques' lists in Vogue. Although if you are thinking the right button eye of the owl cushion is looking a bit wonky, this is because the Blue Kitten almost immediately pulled it off and I had to sew it back on myself, and I am by no means a reliable sewist.

Which led to a conversation on Twitter about owl cushions, culminating in this tweet here:

Then I woke up this morning to find AMAZINGLY that there people out there who like to illustrate random tweets, and they are called Irkafirka.

This is the sort of thing that makes me very happy.

Ke$ha/Star Trek

2010-06-22T19:04:00.002+01:00

This should not work. And yet it does. From io9.com

Ew gross

2010-06-21T10:21:00.006+01:00

grub
Originally uploaded by

Anyone know what this grub is, other than an ENORMO-GRUB? Found on my mum's allotment while digging up some potatoes, which were yum by the way, thanks for asking.
UPDATE: My mum suggested it might be a Cockchafer grub, which indeed looks quite likely. Also, haha, rude. Other suggestions have included June Bug, or, suggested by Father in Law: "more likely Rose Chafer or ssp Cetonia cuprea or C. aeruginosa. We've got just the same in our compost - Sign of a healthy, well-composted soil. Quite harmless, to be encouraged. Do not eat" Hurrah! Also, okay then, I will not eat.

ANOTHER UPDATE: much prettier grub found on allotment:

Screenwriting Vs Blogging

2010-06-17T10:42:00.001+01:00

Questions from Eleanor Ball, at bluewhitebluewhiteblue.blogspot.com

Hi James, I'm a (very new) scriptwriter with a blog (you posted on it once!), I'll be keeping a professional one throughout August, and I've read so much about how useful and brilliant the damn things are; but what I'd really like to know is how to sieve the content of personal blogs.

So, have you ever censored your blog?

Hmm, after blogging for a couple of years, I did go back and remove the names of a couple of television executives who'd appeared in blog posts, mainly because I'd been a bit cross with them when writing the posts, but wasn't that bothered any more. It wasn't so much I was worried about my career (they'd both been demoted rather promoted since I'd written the posts, so I don't think I was the only person who felt that way), but I felt a bit bad about my posts being on the second or third page when you googled their names. And it was a bit unprofessional.

I did used to use the blog to vent, a lot more so than I do now, although I wasn't saying anything I wouldn't have said to those peoples' faces (well, if we were having an argument, it would be a bit weird if we just met on the train or something). But then it all felt much rawer back when I started the blog; these days if I get let down by someone professionally, I just *roll eyes* and don't work with them again if I can possibly help it.

I've always found the producers I most enjoy working with couldn't give a toss what writers put on their blogs - I think probably because they're perfectly secure about the work they do. The good ones to work with aren't going to be swayed either way. The work is (or should be) what counts.

Are you ever purposefully sycophantic on your blog in the knowledge/hope that someone you need might read it?

Ha, no, I hope I across as genuinely enthusiastic about other people's work rather than sycophantic! I have been a bit embarrassed when I found out a couple of well-known writers had read something a bit gushing I'd written about their work (they'd been pointed towards it by other people, they weren't googling themselves, for the record), but it was a genuine reaction as a televison viewer, rather than an attempt to ingratiate myself, as it never occurred to me they'd read it in the first place.

These days I do tend to assume if I put someone's name in, they'll come across it eventually, which has made me a bit more careful either way.

Do you also have a more private blog elsewhere?

I don't have the time.

Have you ever felt like you've compromised integrity/quality for the sake of phrases like "many thanks to" and "the kind people at"?

Nooo, I do think so. Not sure I've ever used those phrases, but either way, I wouldn't use them if I didn't mean them. Readers (and particularly other writers) are perfectly capable of reading between the lines.

Have you ever been frustrated that you "can't" write negatively on your public blog about something you feel negatively about?

Regularly. There are certainly plenty of instances where you hear producers or commissioners, or, to be fair, other writers, say something that immediately makes you *roll eyes*. But I wouldn't like every stupid thing I've said reported behind my back on the internet, so it's common courtesy not to do it to others. And sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight, you realize you were wrong and they were right, or there was some important piece of information you weren't privy to, so that's always worth bearing in mind.

And I can write negatively about something, as long as I'm prepared to accept the consequences. But I'm generally a fairly positive person, I think. And reading blogs that are nothing more than extended rants about other peoples' work are fairly dull reading.

And how do you resist?! It's your blog, after all; can you distance yourself?

It's my job, I suppose. You have to bear in mind blogging is a public activity, after all. And private bitching sessions via email or down the pub is what binds writers together.

I've researched a number of writer's blogs and have yet to come across one that's professionally itchy (as in... professionally uncomfortable. Makes you think twice before you post it, because you worry it might get in the way of potential employment, pleasing your boss, networking etc.). I don't know if there's a method to that, or if I'm just looking at it the wrong way.

I think you just have to find the balance yourself, which you can only do by writing, and then reading carefully before you post. If you're prepared to admit your mistakes, the internet can be a surprisingly forgiving place, I think.

JonnyB has written a book!

2010-06-13T13:03:00.010+01:00

This is a picture of its cover here, but don't click on it to order a copy, which you will definitely be wanting to do when you've read this review, oh yes, it's a pretty impressive review, click on this link instead:

"Sex & Bowls & Rock & Roll"

For this book, JonnyB has taken on the pseudonym 'Alex Marsh', which is fair enough.

The most important fact about this book is that I was the first person in the entire world to receive a review copy, which (disclaimer) warmed me to it enormously before I even cracked open its cover, six months later. The crisp five pound note that slipped out when I did so and fluttered to the floor warmed me to it even more, as did the note from his agent that said 'seriously, just read the first few pages or so, that'll all professional reviewers do. If you're really pressed for time, you can just do a search and replace on another review and put JonnyB's name in instead, everyone does it, seriously don't worry about it'.

And so I can reveal that after the first sentence "Are you sure that we're meant to be here?", the book deviates, not into a sweetly funny exploration of what happens when a chap decides to abandon his dreams to be a rock star and takes up life as a househusband in rural Norfolk, as you'd expect from the back cover, but instead covers the years from JonnyB's birth in 1880 until America's entry into World War II in 1941. JonnyB, the son of a Medal of Honor winning Union officer during the Civil War, is himself a brilliant, egotistical, vainglorious man who is his father's equal as a military leader. After graduating first in his class from West Point, he rises from relative obscurity in the Army during the years before World War I. During the "war to end wars" (1917-18), JonnyB proves himself a brilliant strategist and tactician, and an uncommonly brave field officer. He is promoted from Captain to Major General during the war, and wins several decorations, including the Distinguished Service Cross.

Between the World Wars, JonnyB continues his steady rise in rank. By 1941, when he is 61 years old, JonnyB has retired from the Army and has decided to remain in the Philippines, where he has served for several years as America's military governor. On the eve of America's entry into World War II, with the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor having already been completed, JonnyB is found impatiently awaiting the expected attack on Manila.

Alex Marsh, the author of this masterful ~~three~~ one-volume "Sex & Bowls & Rock & Roll," is widely recognized as the foremost authority on the life of this brilliant and controversial army general. These volumes are well researched and written and highly readable, although they lack the narrative flair of William Manchester's "American Caesar."

(obviously all the above is nonsense, and I did read the book, which I liked a lot, and I should say that despite being given a free copy, I have pre-ordered another one from Amazon so I can give it as a birthday pressie, so there, I did really like it, that is evidence, the end).

Steven Moffat interview

2010-06-11T08:16:00.004+01:00

Includes minor product placement. Also, hair. And a cat.

I do love the way kids always ask 'guiness book of records' type questions about writing. I heard an interview with Andy McNabb once, where the first question the child interviewer asked him was 'How many people have you killed?' Which, to be honest, is probably what we're all thinking.

I was once at a literary festival where Will Self was doing a Q&A, and complaining that people always asked him stupid questions like 'what's the longest word you've ever used'. When it came round to questions from the audience, my hand shot up and the microphone slowly came my way.

ME: So, what is the longest word you've ever used?
SELF: (sulkily) 'God'
ME: *rolls eyes*

Brian's Novel

2010-06-09T10:03:00.001+01:00

I can't stop watching this.

The Writers Room - US/UK

2010-06-07T19:11:00.008+01:00

Cor, really interesting article (if you're a writer, or want to be a writer, or just care how good TV shows are put together) from io9.com on the writers room (AKA making sh*t up for money).

Amy Berg: The difference between a baby writer and a showrunner is enormous with regards to both responsibilities and expectations. The only real job of a baby writer is to take the episode they've been given and make the most out of it. There aren't high expectations for them in the room because of their lack of experience. But if they give you something extra — if they work their asses off by doing research and constantly generating story ideas — they will work their way up the ladder very quickly. A showrunner is the overseer. They're responsible for supervising every aspect of the production. Story breaking, script writing/rewriting, casting, editing, you name it. It's a massive undertaking, both time-consuming and pressure-filled. A show's success or failure is often placed squarely on the showrunner's shoulders. Which is why they need a talented and supportive staff to back them up.

I always find it fascinating how much more egalitarian the system seems to be in the US than in the UK (and bear in mind the shows I've worked on have about a tenth the article's show's budget and rating).

Things are certainly changing here: writers like RTD and Steven Moffat are becoming showrunners (writer/producers in charge of a number of writers) in a way that didn't seem to happen in the past, but on the whole, UK writers, script editors and producers seem to be sharply defined roles that rarely blur into one another (anyone with experience in this area, feel free to correct me).

My experience of writers rooms here, which tend to be for comedy or kids' television, are that stories rarely get 'broken' at the pace they do over in the States - it tends to be a much more fragmented process of 'producer gets a number of the writers together, puts coffee in front of them, nods while they burble, lets them know decisions a couple of weeks down the line', which has its own problems. And to be honest, arguing your corner the way they seem to in this article can often come across in the UK as 'bad form' - you can sometimes be left with the idea that the producer knows what he wants and is waiting for you to come up with the right shapes to slot into the holes he's already made, which can be pretty unfulfilling, although to be fair, sometimes you see the end result and go 'oh I seeeeeeeeeeeee'. But sometimes the only way to show what you want to write in the script is to just... go away and write the script.

UPDATE: Tim Footman asks:

Surely the role of the script editor by definition blurs into that of the writer, to a greater or lesser degree?

Helpfully, they do and they don't - in comedy, a script editor is usually another writer who's been brought in to 'punch up' (add jokes) to a script. In drama, a script editor is a different role: often a sort of assistant producer who points out where they might be weaknesses or inconsistencies in the script, and works with the writer to resolve those issues - although in my experience they very rarely make direct alterations to the script itself, apart from maybe correcting typos, before the script goes off to a commisssioner.

Interview with Joseph Donaldson (BBC script editor on a couple of my projects, as well as Lark Rise To Candleford and Survivors

Waiting To Hear Back From People

2010-06-04T13:29:00.006+01:00

Whenever I get asked what's happening in my work life at the moment, I almost inevitably answer 'I'm waiting to hear back on a few things', because I almost inevitably am. I've even upgraded my little 'waiting to hear back from' spreadsheet, so it now includes name, production company and whatever project I'm waiting to hear back from them about. However, if I was honest, I would take that spreadsheet and throw it into the sea (I suppose it would have to be a virtual sea, maybe one of the ones in Warcraft or something), because 'waiting to hear back from people' is THE BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME IN THE WRITING WORLD.

Or it is if you're actually counting it as, you know, an activity. Because the annoying truth is, when you're talking about the early stages of a script at least, outlines and concepts, hardly anyone gets back to you about them ever.

When you start out scriptwriting, 'waiting to hear back from people' counts as activity in itself. You get back from a meeting with an (inevitably) really pleasant, enthusiastic development exec, you send them some one-paragraph ideas, chase them up about three minutes later to make sure they actually got them (they always actually did), and then you clear the decks, unbook that holiday, turn down all future work and wait for the inevitable GLORY AND RICHES THAT WILL BE YOURS.

*cue tumbleweeds*

That this doesn't really work as a strategy isn't because all development execs are cruel heartless monsters who like nothing more than to toy with poor writers' dreams. Incredibly, most development people actively want to get projects off the ground! Tragically, however, most development people have not been gifted with enormous pots of gold into which they can dip for anyone who sends an email along the lines of 'something like Gossip Girl, but more space stationy'. Even if they do think one of the ideas I send them isn't actively stupid, they have to wait until the next big meeting to pitch it, and then the person above them has to wait for their next big meeting, and so on. It takes forever. And development execs really don't like to say 'no', because a) you might take the idea somewhere else and make ONE KERJILLION POUNDS FOR ANOTHER COMPANY and b) they're naturally quite nurturing, supportive types, so they hate saying no. And the whole thing drags on without every seeming to go anywhere, and slowly your enthusiasm for the idea, even if it was only a couple of lines, slowly dies.

In fact, writers don't mind hearing 'no' as much as people think. You know where you are with a 'no'. Especially with comedy, where someone actually saying 'I'm sorry, I just didn't find it funny' is exactly one million times more preferable to people putting their heads on one side and saying 'I LOVED it, I really did, but something about the tone didn't work for me'.

So anyway, if this post had a point, and it doesn't, it would be to say to earlier in his career me: learn to Fire And Forget - write those outlines and concepts and spec scripts, by all means, then get on with writing something else: ideally more Actual Writing, rather than, say, sighing and staring out of windows, although these are important activities that do have an important creative role that is often underlooked. And if Development Exec A hasn't got back to you, it's not because they're Actively Evil, it's because they have a squillion projects on the go, and limited time, budget and more powerful execs to go and pitch your idea to.

Also, if you're getting really pissed off, get your agent to ring them up, he's probably looking for an excuse to shout at someone.

DVD EXTRA:

Here is an example of a rejection email (for a spec script, rather than an outline), that starting writers (me, ten years ago) would probably weep for a week over, but yer more experienced typists would, if not rejoice in it, at least be happy that someone has treated them like a professional.

"Dear James,

Firstly, many apologies for being such an age coming back to you about this – it caught us at a really busy time. I am afraid that this didn’t really catch our enthusiasm, and it needs more comedy in it I think so I am sorry to send a disappointing reply after all the wait.

(Producer X) is on location, but sends you her best. As you know, she likes you as a writer, but this one doesn’t hit the spot.

All the best

(Development Person X)"

So they didn't actually find it funny (a downside in a comedy script), but they generally like my stuff and would be happy to see future material, so no harm done, door is left open for future submissions, and a bit of closure. REJECTION IS NOT TO BE FEARED.

No more Last Of The Summer WIne

2010-06-02T19:32:00.002+01:00

I was always quite fond of Last Of The Summer Wine, particularly the one where Compo saw a poodle and said 'By 'eck, someone's made a right bog-up of shearing that sheep!' which may have been the first and last time my dad and I have laughed at the same joke.

When I entered the sitcom-writing competition in 1999 that got me into the crazy business of show (sorry), a proper actual sitcom writer gave us a bit of a pep talk about how writers are treated within television. Once the great cloud of depression had lifted, she did perk us up a bit by telling us that once a year, the BBC had to write a cheque so large, the only person authorized to sign it was the Director General of the BBC himself. And that cheque went to Roy Clarke, the writer of Last of The Summer Wine.

I still have no idea if this was true or not, but it make you think.

*thinks*

Awww, Cornwall

2010-06-01T08:09:00.003+01:00

The main road between Falmouth and Penryn ground to a complete halt earlier, as one man slowly ushered some ducks across the tarmac, up onto the safety of the path. A whole line of traffic waiting patiently behind him, queued back to the roundabout and no-one beeped.

Cabinet of Curiosities parts 2, 3 and 4. And, er, 1.

2010-05-31T21:12:00.008+01:00

Yes, well, what I meant to do was put a further quarter of the Cabinet out as a free pdf each Monday. But I forgot that I'd put the entirety of the pdf on lulu for free, so that seems rather pointless now. So here's the whole thing in one easy-to-click book cover-style button that takes you to the lulu free download page:

Remember if you do want to buy the paper copy, the link's over there on the right. Thanks for all the lovely comments from those who've read it so far (pdf or paper), it's much appreciated, and I'm delighted to see sales in double figures. How far into double figures I'm not saying, but it's more than ten, oh yes. Slightly more than ten.

Down dang dangde dowwwwww

2010-05-27T10:19:00.004+01:00

Last night I had a very pleasant pint with (EDIT: THE MYSTERIOUS MAN BEHIND) the Eighty Waves blog, as he surfs his way around Britain. And then a very pleasant second pint, which I haven't actually drunk more than a small glass of wine for two years now, plastered a stupid smile on my face, and caused me to walk home singing aloud to Timo Mass's 'To Get Down', which was on repeat on my mp3 player, which may have annoyed a lot of people on that long stretch of road between Falmouth and Penryn, apologies.

The Cabinet of Curiosities 1/4

2010-05-23T20:43:00.017+01:00

Right, yes, what happened was, I wrote this children's novel, in the nine to twelve age range, although adults of all ages &c &c, about a girl who stumbles into a weird museum, containing items from stories, although perhaps in this world they're a little more than stories, and then finds out more about her own story than she ever would have worked out on her own. The first three chapters got me a literary agent (woo!) and then I wrote the rest of it, and she stayed my literary agent, and we got some interest from some quite well-known publishers, and I did some rewrites (a lot of rewrites), and... it never quite got published.

Two things I learned from this process:

1. Publishers are no longer prepared to spend time and money on editors knocking a new writer's first work into shape. Literary agents are now having to do a lot of the work editors used to. My agent worked with me on five full drafts of the book, with various tweaks and nudges taking the number of drafts to eleven in total. So if I actually start making money off this thing, I'll have to find out what her percentage would have been and start handing that over. But I do feel the rewrite process made this a much better book, so I'm more than happy to do that, obv'sly.

2. Having experience as a scriptwriter is useful, but by no means a guarantee that you'll get published. Scriptwriters tend to be more proficient with dialogue and structure than first-time writers, and probably better at pacing too. All of which is a step in the right direction, but still only a step.

So, after eleven drafts, there came a point where I felt I'd pared the book back as far as I could, or at least as far as I could without it becoming something else and any further expenditure would probably be better spent writing an entirely new book. Or a script, which might actually contribute towards paying for the mortgage I seemed to have picked up since I started the first draft. In the old days, this would have been the end of the line. These days, however, you can get a copy printed up on lulu, so suddenly, this thing you were writing exists as an actual physical object, and as a scriptwriter, that's a feeling you really don't get very often.

So the book arrived, and it was great that it was a book, and I could hold it, but I hadn't done the layout very well, and it wasn't a cover so much as some words on a background, and before I knew it I was talking to my brother in law about making it look just a little bit more professional. So he sorted out the layout, and did a great cover, and suddenly it looked like something that wouldn't look entirely out of place amongst other, you know, bookish type things.

However, it still didn't feel right putting it up for sale when all people had to go on was the blurb, and then, by a strange coincidence, just as I was about to start writing this post, I saw Cory Doctorow's article in the Observer: "My Bright Idea" in which he says:

"I give away all of my books. [The publisher] Tim O'Reilly once said that the problem for artists isn't piracy – it's obscurity. I think that's true. A lot of people have commented: "You can't eat page views, so how does being well-known help you earn a living as a writer?" It's true; however, it's very hard to monetise fame, but impossible to monetise obscurity. It doesn't really matter how great your work is; if no one's ever heard of it, you'll never make any money from it. That's not to say that if everyone's heard of it, you'll make a fortune, but it is a necessary precursor that your work be well-known to earn you a living. As far as I can tell, these themes apply very widely, across all media."

Which is pretty much what I was going to say about putting the book "The Cabinet of Curiosities" up as a free pdf. Or rather, four pdfs - what I thought I'd do is split it into four parts, give each a blog post and allow anyone who was interested to read it for free. Then if they like it, they can follow the link to the right and order a physical copy. I'll putting up the next bit each Monday.

Here's part the first:

The Cabinet of Curiosities 1/4 (pdf)

I done a book (short version)

2010-05-21T13:56:00.005+01:00

Looky over there to the right - a picture of a book cover that is also magically a link to a place where you can buy a copy of that exact book!

What happened was, I wrote a children's book, in that 9-12 sort of age range (but there's lots for adults to get as well - in fact the idea is kids reading it will get one sort of book and adults reading it will get another sort of book but I'll explain that later) and got a proper literary agent and everything, and it got very close to being picked up by a couple of quite large proper respectable publishers... then everything ground to a halt. So I thought sod it, I'll have a copy made up on lulu.com so just for once in my life something I wrote actually has a real, physical existence in the world and I can read it to my tiny daughture and everything, and then I ended up roping in brother in law to do a proper layout and cover (seriously, I could not have asked for a better cover) and suddenly it had turned into a proper book! No-one was more surprised than me.

So what's happening is, the link on the right will take you to lulu, where you could IF YOU SO CHOSE buy a copy - but what I'm going to do next week is put a pdf on the blog where you can read it for free. Probably broken into four parts over four posts, but totally free. The hope being that if people like it enough to want a copy they could actually hold in their hand, or read in the bath, or roll up and swat things with, they could do that too.

Anyway, proper blog posts about it next week, but in the meantime, look over there - a link to a book!

"Running Wilde"

2010-05-19T10:55:00.001+01:00

New thing from Will Arnett and our very own Peter Serafinowicz. It looks strange. And good. And strange.

Temper Trap - 'Love Lost"

2010-05-16T19:01:00.008+01:00

Great song, and one those lovely videos that starts well, then just builds and builds. Doesn't quite go as far as an OK Go type vid, but I think better for being slightly rougher around the edges.

In London, I punched a man in the balls.

2010-05-14T16:34:00.003+01:00

What it was was, I have these new trainers, which were cheap, but apparently of slightly different sizes, and halfway up Charing Cross Road my right foot wobbled, and I shouted 'Woo!' and my left hand went to steady myself in an 'ooh, I can't walk in flats' sort of way, and I accidentally punched a bloke who was slightly behind and to the left of me, the Clegg to my Cameron, right in the Boswells.

I froze, and said, gosh, and I'm terribly sorry, but he instantly straightened up and said cuh, and not to worry and continued on his way. LONDON MAN I SALUTE YOU.

Then later, after a nice lemony drink with my agent, I was asked for direction by THREE sets of female persons, first a trio of Eastern European teenagers, who wanted a big Primark, which I didn't know about, but when I pointed the way to the big Oxford Street TopShop they all jumped up and down shouting ''TOPSHOP! TOPSHOP!' so I think that was fine. Next were two quite posh french girls who wanted to know the way to'a Underground', and finally one more female type person who allowed me to utter that sentence most chaps spend their whole lives dreaming about uttering: 'Young lady, I will help you find the modelling agency for which you have an important interview'.

And there were meetings, which were great, but frankly the street-based was just as much fun AND TO THINK I NEARLY CUT MY HAIR EARLIER THIS WEEK. In the end I did not, and it was the right choice.

They had me at "Digital Puppetry"

2010-05-10T16:12:00.007+01:00

Not played the first "Little Big Planet" (nor do I have a PS3), but does LBP3 really allow you to create digital landscapes and characters for animation rather than solely for gameplay? Could be interesting...

Music is 'Sleepyhead' by Passion Pit.

How scriptwriters get paid

2010-05-09T19:10:00.004+01:00

Patroclus is in the process of moving our mortgage, which led to a phone call from the new bank, after they received a copy of my accounts for the past three years.

BANK: Hi, we'd just like to know what exactly your employment is? And why it is your income seems sort of... erratic.
ME: I'm a scriptwriter. Which also explains the second part.
BANK: So is that a full-time occupation, or...

I decide that if you add two full hours a day sighing to another two hours staring out windows (rather than counting them as the same activity) that counts towards a full days work.

ME: Yes.
BANK: But you seem to get weird amounts at weird times.
ME: Yes. What happens is, when you get commissioned to write a script, you get paid half the amount up front, then the other half when you've finished.
BANK: Oh. So does it take different amounts of time to write scripts then?
ME: Well, usually a half hour script takes two weeks to write, an hour long script takes a month to write.
BANK: So you get half the money first, then two weeks, or a month later, you get the other half of the money?
ME: Ah, it's not up to me to say it's finished - it's up to the producer, and even then, they usually have to get the say so from the commissioner, the person above them. So I might spend a month writing it, then the commissioner decides it needs some changes, which often takes a week or so.
BANK: And then you get paid.
ME: And then they usually decide some more changes are needed. Then, if they're happy with it, they pass it to the person above them, which usually takes another month or so for them to read, and they usually want some changes. So you do the changes, then you wait for the commissioner to read it, then often they want some more changes.
BANK: Oh. So it can take quite a lot of time.
ME: Indeed it can. Which is why it's best to have a lot of projects on the go at any one time.
BANK: Your job is strange.
ME: Well, at least I didn't nearly bring about THE END OF THE WORLD.

I didn't say that bit. But paymentwise it is strange. And the big gaps while you wait for people to read things can be frustrating, and can make it really hard to keep momentum going with scripts, remember what the main characters are called, and so on. This can be more of an issue with the BBC, where there's a huge inverted pyramid of writers and producers, all working up to the two or three people who have the power to get your series made. On the other hand, Channel 4, whose comedy department seemed to consist at one point of two temps and a man who worked in Jimmy Carr's suit shop once, seemed to have a habit of nodding enthusiastically at one's script then wandering off never to be seen again. So at least with the Beeb, there's a system.

In fact, having projects hang around for ages can have advantages as well. A bit of a distance from a project often means you stop hanging onto that scene that isn't really working, but you've always been attached to for some reason. Or, just when your crime drama was about to go to big BBC Drama commissioning man, it can come back for a (quite minor) rewrite, and you think aaaargh - only to discover big BBC Drama commissioning man had just read five other crime dramas that week, so was probably a bit crimed out, to be honest, in which case you think phew.

On the plus side, having to ask my agent for an advance always makes me feel like a character from an Edwardian play, so that's nice.

Required watching for anyone who's thinking of writing a television crime series

2010-05-05T11:26:00.002+01:00

Or at least it should be.

Level up your humour with Microsoft

2010-04-30T20:12:00.003+01:00

Via the always-interesting Alice, it appears Microsoft have added 'Humour' (or rather 'humor') to their set of professional development competencies

Rather worryingly, I'm not sure I even qualify for a 'Basic' level of 'humor' ("Is conscientious about timing and setting for humor"? Erm, define 'conscientious'....) Certainly the 'Overdoing Humor' section is worryingly familiar:

Overdoing Humor
May disrupt group process with untimely or inappropriate humor.
Yes. We call those 'script meetings'

May use humor to deflect real issues and problems
But if we addressed real issues and problems, there would be deaths, or worse: raised voices.

May use humor to criticize others and veil an attack.
Well you can't go criticizing people openly, they might notice.

May use humor to deliver sarcasm or cynicism.
NO!

May be perceived as immature or lacking in appropriate seriousness.
Pissflaps.

His/her humor may be misinterpreted.
Actually this does happen.

So in conclusion: er, 'pissflaps' again.

Ben Stephenson Interview

2010-04-29T16:12:00.005+01:00

Writers Room has an interesting interview with BBC Controller of Drama Commissioning, Ben Stephenson, which is worth a read if you have anything heading in that direction at the moment, or are hoping to in the future.

Some interesting stuff about how iPlayer has affected viewing figures (short answer: not as much as you'd think):

The iPlayer's an amazing invention, but the majority of television is still watched live. Something like 89% of television is watched live. If you get 200,000 on iPlayer - which is still a lot and can add to the overnight - it's a relatively minor amount overall. Particularly for mainstream... It's different for Being Human, which got about a million on the overnight and then we added about 500,000 through repeats and iPlayer.

I think Skins and Shameless actually get more from their non-original Tx, although some of that is still linear repeats. But mainstream television certainly is, contrary to popular belief, still very much watched at 9 o'clock on the day it transmits. Catch up obviously is increasing, but if you get three million for a show on BBC1 at 9 o'clock, you're not suddenly going to find that you actually reach 6 million. And the pick up on iPlayer for Five Days is no more than it is for anything else, which I was quite surprised by. I thought it'd be way up.

We got six and a half million for Five Days, ten million for Doctor Who, sixteen million for EastEnders. ITV got nine million for Unforgiven. Mass audiences still want to watch TV live. They still want to find something as it happens, they still want to feel that sense of liveness and freshness. I'm sure it will continue to diversify and the figures will continue to get smaller but audiences still want to turn on.

Full Ben Stephenson interview

YouTube Closes Down For The Night 2

2010-04-28T12:27:00.002+01:00

Hee, this is great:

Stan Freberg: "Yellow Rose of Texas"

2010-04-26T20:54:00.003+01:00

For no particular reason, other than I couldn't find my "Best of Stan Freberg" CD, so found this on YouTube, and then the CD turned up. It's not a great story, and there's no video, just the audio, but man I do still love this song.

"I feel like, volume-wise, it's just a little much, what you're doing there".

'Let's blame Rolf Harris'

2010-04-19T16:25:00.004+01:00

I, and some of the Green wing writers, and two of the not-Green Wing writers, are maybe about two thirds of the way through writing Campus, which is the thing that was piloted last year. It's being written sort of in the Green Wing way, which is to say we have some very vague ideas for plots, then we all write quite sketchy sort of scenes that hopefully fill those plot gaps, but also are ideally funny in their own right. This method does have quite a high attrition rate for material, which combined with me writing in sketch mode rather than normal scene mode means I end up operating a sort of 'fire and forget' policy. Which leads to this kind of phone call:

PRODUCER: Just wondering if you explain the end of this scene to me.

I look up the scene. Two people are talking for a bit, and it ends with one of them saying 'Let's blame Rolf Harris'. Which doesn't really tie in with what they're talking about. At all.

ME: Um...
PRODUCER: (helpfully) I think perhaps you missed a couple of lines.

I stare at the scene again, trying to think of a couple of lines that link the penultimate line (something about a sexual vigilante called 'The Mucky Whale') to the line 'Let's blame Rolf Harris'.

ME: I'm not sure I did. I think... at the time, that seemed like a reasonable ending.
PRODUCER: (gently) Is it possible you're not re-reading these before you send them?
ME: That is certainly a possibility.
PRODUCER: Could you perhaps give that a go?
ME: (warily) I will try.

Later it occurs to me I don't even read them while I'm writing them.

Writer's Guild backs the D.E. Act

2010-04-10T16:11:00.004+01:00

(just like they did product placement)

Really well-written post here by Nathaniel Tapley, expressing his disappointment at the Writer's Guild backing of the eye-rollingly poor Digital Economy Act.

Quote here:

"It is a crying shame that, in order to appear to robustly support the rights of creators, the WGGB feels the need to support measures which assume guilt rather than innocence, and are fundamentally flawed and unjust in the ways in which they are to be applied.

It is more of a shame that Mr Corbett (President of the WG) either does not understand, or pretends not to notice the difference between what the Bill does, and what he says it does: “introducing automatic penalties against people who use the internet to download music, films, books or whatever in breach of copyrights held by creators, publishers, producers, etc.”

Mr Corbett responds here.

Digital Economy Bill then.

2010-04-08T07:38:00.006+01:00

Over at her work blog, Patroclus explains why, quite apart from its many other failings, the rushed-through Digital Economy bill is likely to spell disaster for local (in this case Cornish) buinesses such as B&B's or web cafes who thoughtlessly provide free wi fi for their customers.

One of the least-encouraging moments of the parliamentary debate: Labour MP Derek Wyatt, not appearing to know the difference between email and the internet. Still, at least he voted against the bill, unlike my Lib Dem MP, Julia Goldsworthy, who sent us a letter telling us of her concern about the bill, but failed to vote for or against it.

Sunday Night is Confusion Night. Or possibly Confucian Night,

2010-03-26T13:13:00.004Z

I get to my hotel at half ten, and five minutes after checking in am in bed, because that's how I ROLL BEYATCHES &c, when there's a knock on the door, by someone introducing himself as being 'from reception'.

Cue five minutes blundering round in the dark trying to find a) my trousers and b) a lightswitch, during which I can hear the reception person sighing heavily. Finally I find both, and get the door open.

RECEPTION MAN: Hello, yes, I wanted to make sure your phone was working, as the reception desk was trying to call you.

I try the phone. I does work.

ME: Well yes, it's fine. Why were they trying to call me?

RECEPTION MAN: Sir, you will have to call the reception desk to find out.

He goes away. I call the reception desk.

RECEPTION DESK: Hello, I wanted to make sure you were in the right room. Are you in the right room?

Quite a long pause.

ME: I'll be honest, I have no idea.

RECEPTION DESK: What room are you in?

ME: I am in the room you told me to go to.

RECEPTION DESK: Hmm.

ME: ... which is presumably the room you're phoning now. Isn't it? I'm quite tired, I don't really know what's going on.

Another quite long pause. Very very slowly, I put the phone down. When I check out the next morning, I am fairly sure they give me a funny look. I still have no idea what was going on, and to be honest, am not entirely convinced the hotel in question fully deserves its four stars.

SCOTT PILGRIM TRAILER

2010-03-25T18:57:00.005Z

Yes it warrants caps. I'm currently re-reading the books (well, one to five), and have totally fallen in love with Bryan Lee O'Malley's world all over again. Supposedly the film diverges from the books at around volume three, which sounds sensible to me (I know Edgar Wright likes to consult this blog before each creative decision, it just saves time for everyone).

Mr Mamet writes a memo

2010-03-25T06:27:00.006Z

Excellent find on Movieline: a memo written by David Mamet to his writing staff working on his action/drama series 'The Unit' (now cancelled)

Full text over at Movieline, but here's a choice bit (caps model's own):

ANY SCENE, THUS, WHICH DOES NOT BOTH ADVANCE THE PLOT, AND STANDALONE (THAT IS, DRAMATICALLY, BY ITSELF, ON ITS OWN MERITS) IS EITHER SUPERFLUOUS, OR INCORRECTLY WRITTEN.

YES BUT YES BUT YES BUT, YOU SAY: WHAT ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF WRITING IN ALL THAT “INFORMATION?”

AND I RESPOND “FIGURE IT OUT” ANY DICKHEAD WITH A BLUESUIT CAN BE (AND IS) TAUGHT TO SAY “MAKE IT CLEARER”, AND “I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM”.

WHEN YOU’VE MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT EVEN THIS BLUESUITED PENGUIN IS HAPPY, BOTH YOU AND HE OR SHE WILL BE OUT OF A JOB.

I hear the bolded stuff a lot, though never from anyone involved in Green Wing, or (now) Campus. It's very specifically a drama thing rather than a comedy thing. To be fair, the development people I hear it from are usually very far from being dickheads, and rarely in suits. But I do hear it a lot.

Which is interesting, because something I've been wondering a lot lately, is if the writer's main job is to a) keep the audience guessing (as long as they're engaged enough to care), and b) make sure he or she is the only person who know everything about his characters (but give the audience enough that they're constantly wrong-footed rather than, say, left in the dark).

*ponders*

EDIT: actually, all that said, I have to remind myself I only actually like about a third of Mamet's stuff that I've seen, and a constant problem I have with his stuff is that I don't care about the characters that much. Nor do I really ever know what's going on, but I get that with pretty much anything above 'Shaun The Sheep' length.

Twestival Cornwall, Vertigo Bar, Truro - Thurs 25th March 2010

2010-03-21T05:46:00.008Z

If you're even vaguely near Truro on Thursday, do order a ticket now for the Cornwall Twestival (I know, but that's what it's called). Patroclus is one of the organisers, and we'll both be there, along with lots of Cornwall social networky people and some good local bands.

Tickets cost £10, proceeds going to Concern Worldwide, available here

Video by Sideways Cornwall

Brought to you by the word 'um' and the phrase 'kind of'.

2010-03-18T20:17:00.004Z

There's a bit* of my talk to the Falmouth Professional Writing course (with some people from Screenwriting and Broadcast in the audience as well) on the prof writing website here:

What was your big break

So there you are. Um. Kind of. *makes annoying lip smacking noise I didn't even know I did*

* It's the first eight minutes or something.

the missing link between Neil Gaiman and AS Byatt, apparently

2010-03-14T20:48:00.006Z

In the comments thread of this post over on Kotaku, about the difference between what counts as scariness in computer game, and what counts as actual horror someone said, in reference to some national public radio programme (anyone know what it might be?):

"Gaiman was talking about how his book Coraline is read by children as an exciting adventure story whereas adults tend to read it more as a horror story. It was most amusing to hear the extremely well educated and well spoken rather elderly lady that A.S. Byatt is now tell Gaiman something along the lines of "It scared the hell out of me".

Which made me look at it, and go 'buhhhhhhhh'.

Because when I worked at Waterstone's in Canterbury, one of the many fun jobs I had was running events. Twice a week I'd take some minions, ~~we'd~~ THEY"D move all the chairs upstairs in the coffee shop, put a little stage in, set up a microphone, and, when the author arrived, I'd greet them, we'd have a little chat, then I'd introduce them to the audience, sometimes deal with questions at the end, manage the queues for signing, then get the author to the taxi afterwards.

It was a brilliant job, and because Canterbury's only an hour and a half or so from London, you could get some pretty big name authors (Bernard Cornwell, writer of the Sharpe books, is perhaps the nicest man in the world - Michael Dibdin , creator of the Aurelio Zen crime series, was quite possibly the grumpiest, although he's dead now, which just goes to show). Neil Gaiman was quite easy to convince to come to Canterbury, because his long-time collaborator Dave McKean lives just a few miles away, so I got to do two events with him: one for American Gods, and one for Coraline. I'm a gert big Gaiman fan, and I'm pleased to report he's absolutely lovely in person, and didn't mind me telling him that both books were really, really good, as though I was some lone voice of sanity at a point where all he had encountered up until that point in his career had been apathy and neglect, and that my encouragement persuaded him not to jack it all in.

AS Byatt also has Canterbury connections, as her editor Jenny Uglow also lives in Canterbury. AS Byatt, you may, or may not, be surprised to hear, is a huge Terry Pratchett fan, but had never read Neil Gaiman. And as we had had a lovely chat about kid's books before she did her talk, it frankly felt wrong to let her go without running downstairs, buying a copy of Coraline (on staff discount, I'm not insane) and pushing it into her hands. because I'd just read her astonishingly creepy Little Black Book Of Stories, and something told me it might be her cup of tea.

That was at least six years ago now, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to wondering every now and then if she'd ever got round to reading it, or had even got it all the way home without leaving it in a taxi or something. And I now I know she did read it.

Of course, there's always a chance she did lose it, or read some other copy somewhere, but this is a nice story about books, so I think I'm allowed to just write myself a tiny tiny footnote in literary connections.

I also once, out of sheer desperation, asked Will Self if he was a fan of The Good Life. I don't think that one went anywhere.

"in no way is this advertisers forcing something on poor old producers"

2010-03-13T11:59:00.007Z

Thinkbox's lovely Tess Alps (who I should say I have know for years now, and has been incredibly generous in providing me with free dinners and the Blue Kitten with various toys, clothes etc) originally left this comment on the post but it's worth moving to a post of its own, I think.

A quick catch-up on my opinions on the introduction of product placement, or 'PP' available here, in an article I recently wrote for the Western Morning News

Tess says:

Hello everyone,

Too late I'm sure to catch people with a few comments, but what the heck.

James knows me very well but I should probably make it clear to you all that my job is to promote the benefits of TV advertising - on all platforms, linear and on-demand. I like my job in part because I like to think of myself helping to bring more money to TV to make better programmes - and to keep James in honest employment*.

Are advertisers moving away from TV? Depends what you mean. TV has actually increased its share of total advertising (including all forms of online& search etc) over the last two years, but sadly it's been at a time when total advertising has been hit very hard.

In 2008 total advertising declined by 4.9% and TV by 2.9%. In 2009 we think that total advertising declined by nearly 13% and TV declined by just under 10%. Traumatic for everyone in the TV industry but actually a dream compared to the print industry where declines of over 20% were the norm.

The question is will advertising bounce back? There is definitely a long-term structural trend away from display ads (eg online banners, TV spots, posters etc) towards techniques like email marketing where advertisers can just use their databases and disintermediate any professional medium on- or off-line.

However, so far this year TV advertising is increasing strongly, albeit from a very poor 2009 base, and we're seeing nearly 20% increases in April and May which would recoup all the losses of 2008 and 2009.

The real difficulty for programme budgets is that, while total linear TV viewing has never been as high, and about 35% more ads are being seen (at normal speed) compared to 10 years ago, it's spread across more channels.

ITV1, Channel 4 and Five have lower shares of both viewing (like BBC1 & 2) and money; they were the channels which commissioned the majority of UK original production in the commercial sector. However digital switchover is nearly complete and it's very likely that their shares will stabilise at that point.

My shareholders have diverse attitudes to product placement; ITV is the most enthusiastic simply because they make a lot of their own programmes. Others, like C4 and Sky are more equivocal about it. The people who are opposed to it include people like you, who object from a moral and aesthetic position. But there are also plenty of opponents who don't share your sensibilities but who believe that a) it won't generate much money from a lot of effort b) PP doesn't work anyway for brands c) it will just divert money from TV spot advertising so there will be no net gain. The body which represents British advertisers is opposed to paid PP, it might surprise you to learn (EDIT: my bolding, not Tess's), and the most enthusiastic champion is PACT which represents all the independent production companies. So in no way is this advertisers forcing something on poor old producers.

Sorry to have gone on at absurd length. If you want more facts about TV you might like to have a look at our website www.thinkbox.tv some time.

Tess does make some very good points - it's certainly worth pointing out that a lot of advertisers do seem to be rather puzzled at PP being brought in so enthusiastically by elements of the government and the television industry. Any enthusiasm they might have might have had has certainly lessened considerably since fast food, alcohol and gambling were taken out of the equation, undoubtedly a good thing, but makes the introduction of PP even more pointless and frustrating from the writers' point of view.

PP has already had an impact on my writing - a couple of scenes for various shows have already been rewritten because they mentioned specific brand names. They've now been changed to something more generic, because if viewers even had the slightest suspicion the brand had been mentioned because money had changed hands rather than, say, because something about the rhythm of the name of a particular chocolate bar, or high street clothing store or whatever, the joke would be ruined.

So yes, I am in no doubt that the responsibility for this lies far more with certain television producers than it does with advertisers. And I'm fairly sure this has far more to do with makers of reality television than, say, drama or comedy, but I'm willing to be corrected if this is not, in fact, the case.

Interesting footnote: the most successful brand on American television, far outstripping anyone else, don't pay a cent for product placement...

"Apple Gets a Big Slice Of Product-Placement Pie"

* Smack The Pony and Green Wing's biggest advertisers? Diet Coke, and tampons.

Phwoar

2010-03-10T10:06:00.003Z

I would have linked to the official trailer, but Disney, in their wisdom, have made it non-embeddable.

Now I wish I'd asked for a pony.

2010-03-09T13:45:00.004Z

I like it when real life presents you with dialogue (or rather 'dramatic beats' I suppose) no script editor would ever let you get away with in real life.

ON THE PHONE

ME: Hello, I was coming up to London for a meeting, but that's just been cancelled, so I'd like to cancel my hotel reservation please. Just one night, for, erm, sixty quid,
LASTMINUTE PERSON: Okay, let me just check. (she wanders off for a bit) Right, the hotel has a 'within twenty four hours' cancellation policy, so there'll be no charge there.
ME: Marvellous.
LASTMINUTE PERSON: ... however, lastiminute.com do charge twenty pounds admin fee for cancellation.
ME: (mildly) Tch, that seems a bit excessive.
LASTMINUTE PERSON: (immediately) Okay, we'll revoke that.
ME: Really?
LASTMINUTE PERSON: Yup, we'll refund the full amount.
ME: Er, right, great, brilliant.
LASTMINUTE PERSON: Anything else?
Me: No thank you.

The Bloody White Baron

2010-03-05T19:31:00.005Z

Interesting interview here with James Palmer, writer of The Bloody White Baron, which ended up being the best non-fiction work I read last year.

Quick description of the book lifted from the interview:

"James Palmer, a British writer who lives in Beijing and has a fascination for all things Mongolian, has produced a captivating biography of Baron Roman von Ungern-Sternberg, a Baltic nobleman who fought in the service of the Russian tsar in World War I. Following the Bolshevik Revolution, Ungern led a ragtag White army to capture Mongolia, where he styled himself the human manifestation of a Buddhist god of war. Mongolia would never be the same again."

It's a period of history, and a part of the world, about which I know very little, but the book fills in the gaps very skillfully, without ever turning into a textbook, or skimming too lightly over the subject. But my favourite aspect of the book? Palmer is a regular at rpg.net (which is where I first heard about it) so when he's talking about Ungern considering himself to be an avator of the Buddhist god of war, I can be can be fairly confident that he too is thinking 'ooh, what if he really was and start assigning hit points and weapons skills accordingly.

(For the norms among you however, be assured you could the entire book and never guess the author's dark and terrible secret, so don't let that put you off).

Profwriting site launch

2010-02-26T20:48:00.003Z

Here are some types being interviewed for the launch of University College Falmouth's new Professional Writing site. Two of them play Dungeons and Dragons on a Tuesday night - OMG one of them is me!

Prof Writing Launch from Learning Space on Vimeo.

(the other one is Gareth)

Also, thanks to everyone who came to the guest lecture on Thursday and let me burble on, it was good fun, and, er, I hope I didn't actively put anyone off screenwriting. Especially the chap I was gleefully telling about the dumpster truck that takes thousands of rejected scripts from various studios every day and DESTROYS THE LOT. He did look a bit crushed afterwards. Still, if you want to be a scriptwriter, you're going to get crushed at some point, so you may as well get it out of the way early on. It's when you know just how difficult it is to get a film produced, let alone made, then write it anyway, that really sorts out the fish from the chips (insert better anology later).

80's game animations on IT CROWD DVD menu

2010-02-22T10:58:00.004Z

I never quite clicked with the IT CROWD's sense of humour, to be honest (I must give it another go at some point) but the love and attention to detail that's gone into these animations for the DVD menu is just staggering.

I have found my new dance.

2010-02-18T20:44:00.006Z

Particularly around the 1.24 mark.

Sourced by Mr. Richard Preddy.

An explanation (of sorts) from Wikipedia:

"Jožin z bažin (originally 1978) is a song by Czech musician and comedian Ivan Mládek, and is one of his best known songs. He even called it the "National Anthem" of his TV show "Countryshow". In January 2008, the song became popular in Poland, winning several radio hitlists.[citation needed] It is also popular in Hungary, Austria and Russia, sporting a cult following in blogs and several versions of translations. The song is a surreal tale of a mysterious man-eating monster living in the swamps (Jožin z bažin, Joey from the swamps). In the song, the monster is eventually defeated with the use of a cropduster. The nearest equivalent musical style in English is that of the Wurzels."

Yours Truly - 'Mouthwings'

2010-02-12T09:33:00.002Z

(The band's called 'Yours Truly', I don't mean it's me singing in three high-pitched voices, although I can do that)

EDIT: as Valerie points out, it's actually a cover - the original is by a band called 'Mountain Men'.

Mountain Man "Mouthwings" [part 1 of 3] from Yours Truly on Vimeo.

slow handclaps

2010-02-09T15:28:00.003Z

Right, well then, what seems to have happened is that Ben Bradshaw, curses be upon his name, has announced that product placement will now be allowed to appear on British television (in case you're new to the blog, here's a list of reasons why I think product placement is a really bad thing, for program creators and viewers alike).

Full government statement here

When this process is finally rubber-stamped, the average commercial watcher will not only be shilled to in between the shows, the shows themselves will be, essentially, adverts, in which appearing brands will make appearances every bit as carefully stage-managed as those of the actors. And possibly more prominently lit . Which means, if viewers are watching Sky, they've already paid money to watch adverts between the shows, and adverts in the shows. Oh, and if they're watching on 4oD, their viewing habits are also being collected, packaged up, and sold to data companies. But I digress.

The announcement contains what initially appears to be a little bit of good news:

"Our legislation will specifically prohibit the placement of products and services in the following categories: alcoholic drinks; foods and drinks high in fat, salt or sugar; gambling; smoking accessories; over-the-counter medicines; and infant formula and follow-on formula."

Which is laudable, and great, and so on, but now leaves me wondering if carrying on with PP now makes any sense at all. Assuming that PP can contribute up to 3% of programming budgets (the commonly accepted ratio in the US), cutting junk food and alcohol out of the equation is probably going to reduce that by at least a half, perhaps even two thirds.

So the trust between program-maker and viewer has now been broken for less money than traditionally ends up going on the catering. Is that suddenly going to improve British televisions' "competitiveness... against the rest of the EU"? No of course not. In my laughably naive way, I assumed the best way to make British television competitive against the rest of the world, let alone the EU, was by making it better, but instead we appear to be throwing away something that made us special, and and trying to be more like everyone else instead.

And now this line has been crossed, look out for production companies going back to the government in a few years or so and complaining about 'unfair limitations'/''restrictions of choice' and so on, until they have their way and either the restrictions are lifted, or certain products suddenly start to be re-categorised as not-quite-as-unhealthy-as-previously-assumed.

Either way, none of Ben Bradshaw's statement answers the following questions, which I've raised before, but may as well bang into the ground again:

1. Where is this extra money going to come from, bearing in mind television's current biggest problem is advertisers moving away from television?

2. What are the guarantees that production companies won't simply nab any PP money that does come their way long before it gets to program budgets and shovel it over to their shareholders instead?

And most importantly:

3. In what way does this make a better experience for the average television viewer?

Answers on a postcard, because I don't have any.

NOOOOOOOOO!

2010-02-05T11:37:00.002Z

For about six years now, my parents' television has been linked up to a BARB ratings box (I'd link you to the site, but they ask you to fill in an annoying questionaire before you even start SO FLIP THAT). It's basically a magic viewer counting machine, which plugs into the telly, and comes with a little remote control thingy that you use to tell it how many people are watching, what age group they are and so on.

When my mum was asked if she was interested in getting the BARB box installed, we had the following conversation:

MUM: ooh, some chap asked if we wanted to take in a sort of survey thing, for television ratings. Do you think we should?
ME: does it have a provision for saying about thirty people are watching at any particular time, say off the top of my head for example, when something I've contributed to is on?
MUM: Hmm, let's have a look.

Sound of mother flicking through paperwork.

MUM: Yes.
ME: SIGN UP SIGN UP NOW NOW DO IT.

A bloke arrived and plugged the box in.

MUM: (interested) So if only a small number of people have these boxes, does that mean they sort of extrapolate the numbers from those who do? (my mum really would use the word extrapolate, she went to library college, and still knows the Dewey Decimal system off by heart, oh yes).
BLOKE: Yes indeed. In fact, although each BARB box viewer officially counts for five thousand viewers, a number of these boxes are with students, or poor people who don't have the concentration required to input the information on the remote each time, so IN FACT, each viewer probably counts for about fifty thousand instead.
MUM: That's weird, I thought I could hear my son laughing hysterically hundreds of miles away (this is when I lived in Kent).

ANYWAY, it was a brilliant system, the two dogs counted as viewers in their early thirties (dog years) and mum made sure they had nice wildlife programs on when she went out to work.

WHENEVER GREEN WING OR BOB THE BUILDER WERE ON:

MUM: RIght, so I've put down you'll be watching it, and your brother, and your cousins as well, and the dogs.
ME: I know for a FACT Falmouth Rugby Club are, to a man. huge fans of both shows and watch them dedicatedly.
MUM: Right, on they go then.

INTERESTING FACT: a senior Channel 4 person told me that Green Wing got its second series recommission 'by fifty thousand viewers'. Now I'm not saying that we got the second series purely by my mum having a BARB box, but- actually that is what I'm saying.

Anyway, this morning my mother informed me that BARB have lost the contract for viewer ratings, and the box is being taken away this very day.

ARSES.

There's always room for more stuff about zombies

2010-02-02T19:31:00.002Z

Particularly in this style of CGI animation, although I should say it is a teensy bit goreish:

Project is called A.D. More info

Meetings

2010-02-01T21:08:00.002Z

Cor, that was a lot of meetings. Some of whom were with people who, it turns out, read this blog, hellooooo! Anyway, they all went very well, although it's too early to say owt about them.

There was also a Campus meeting - did we all know Campus is going to be 6x45 minute episodes now? The pilot was half an hour (ish), but I think the general feeling was it needed to stretch out a bit to give the characters room to breathe. I must admit, part of me is a little disappointed, as there's something about the sheer pace of an ensemble-led half hour sitcom that I've always wanted to write for (just think how many narrative balls in the air the average episode of Arrested Development had at any one time). But on the other hand, 45mins does take it more into comedy/drama territory, which is a fun place to be.

Anyway, I started watching Burn Notice, but some bint on it has a terrible Oirish accent, so am thinking of abandoning it, despite the good reviews I've seen elsewhere. Should I persevere? YOU DECIDE.

Also: 'Guhhhhh'

2010-01-25T13:22:00.010Z

I'm making a lightning visit to London ~~next~~ this week, and will be attending five different meetings on Thursday (I believe my agent may have mistaken my calender for some kind of Tetris-style game, where you have to squish as many coloured blocks together as possible) and then one big one (for Campus) on Friday.

The Thursday meetings are a bit of a concern, frankly, as I haven't been out of Cornwall for a few months, and when you're working from home and co-looking after a small child, your conversational gambits tend to get pared down to the very essentials. Currently, I have been getting by with the the following:

1. Ohhhh, someone has done a pooble.
2. Yes please I would like a cup of tea.
3. I think it's your turn to do its stinking nap-nap.
4. I'm terribly sorry, that meal had a lot of onions in it.
5. Pasty?
and

6. Yay, it's that Timbaland video where he pulls faces at vampires.

Which is all fine, until you try and step outside those strict parameters, like when your friends come round, and all you can say is 'buhhhhh' and 'wine good'. So I'm having to psyche myself up for the meetings a bit, especially as the last one is about that sitcom Patroclus and I wrote, so it would be a shame if it went:

PRODUCER: We've read the script, we like it, and were seriously thinking of giving you some money for it. What are your thoughts?
ME: (wisely): Ohhh, someone has done a pooble.

Seriously though, I love that Timbaland video. I'm starting to think no human could really gurn like that, he must be animatronic. Did you know you can download most YouTube videos by replacing the 'y' in the URL with a '3'? Most useful.

I am quite liking the 'make your own David Cameron poster' thing.

2010-01-20T10:54:00.003Z

From over here

I know it works better if you go with some element of, you know, actual political satire, but sometimes you have to say what you see.

Final Draft

2010-01-18T10:56:00.004Z

Writers react to finishing a piece of work in a variety of ways. Harold Pinter, for example, was known for carefully laying down a just-completed manuscript, staring wistfully out of the window for a moment, then shouting out of the open door to Lady Antonia Fraser, 'COME QUICK, I DONE A BIG WORDY!'

Having just completed the fourth, and possibly final draft of episode two of 18th Century comedy/drama biopic thing (we're working on a catchier title), I like to say farewell via my own personal method of a prolonged rehearsal of the awards speech, including what I'll be wearing (my never-actually-worn black linen suit, which will mean losing a stone at the very least) and those members of my posse to whom I will grant a 'shout out' (currently Dappy from N-Dubz is out, Jenny Uglow very much in).

Anyway, in case it sounds like I've gone all Gervais, there's actually quite a practical reason for this. So few projects ever actually make it to the screen (and Ep 2 of 18thC Thing is the last one before the BBC decide whether to commission a series or not), you may as well go completely mental when you do actually finish something. If you don't go completely over the top re. mentally casting the final talent available (and if I'm too busy, various members of the Green Wing cast would probably do), who's going to be on the soundtrack etc, when it almost inevitably fails to be commissioned, there's often a small sad moment when you realise you didn't even get to have a nice daydream about the whole thing, in which case you may as well have a proper job, involving heavy lifting, or working after three in the afternoon or something. DEATH, essentially.

*goes back to fondly thinking about string quartet covers of Radiohead*

Lego Universe Trailer

2010-01-12T10:49:00.005Z

For the upcoming Massively Multiplayer Online Game. No idea what the game will be like, but this is one of the most weirdly epic game trailers I have ever seen. And the 'swoosh' noise and bullet-time effects as the little sets construct themselves are just perfect.

Note and rewrites

2010-01-10T21:00:00.001Z

I'm currently on the third draft of the second episode of my BBC Drama eighteenth century comedy/drama thing. If the second episode script goes down as well as the first episode script, a series will be commissioned. So I'd like to hand over something as polished as possible.

Which means it has to be funny (my take on the original subject matter, a journal about life in high, or nearly-high society London in 1762/63 was to treat it like a sitcom: half hour episodes with lots of cutaways, and a slightly fractured narrative, which is a poncy way of saying 'like Arrested Development, only with wigs), but also the drama has to thicken a little. I have to start to set up to more serious plotlines, and also gently remind the reader that although eighteenth century London might seem like modern times only less iPoddy, it is many ways an entirely alien culture.

Which entails rewrites, and notes. I worked out a system for this, which is that I write the first draft of each episode as big, and silly and unhindered by the source text, and hopefully funny as possible, and then the script editor and producer sigh, and say things like 'yes, but did that actually happen?' and 'look, this isn't Carry On Dangerous Liasons: The Silly Years', and 'no you can't suggest those two had an affair, we'll get sued by their descendants' and I say 'OH MY GOD I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN!' and run off and hide for a week.

This actually works surprisingly well (although those lost weeks really add up), as it regularly forces me to go back to the source text to prove, usually successfully, that real life is far stupider, and funnier than fiction. And as my script editor said "Well, we're only going to make it less funny, aren't we?" So as a system, I'm okay with it.

The downside of this, of course, is that the gentle insistence of the average BBC script editor has a cumulative effect much envied by lesser forces such as the wind, or the tide. After having justified the same slightly iffy scene in three different passes, you start to think 'well, maybe they have a point'. And usually they do.

It is weird though, moving from comedy to drama. In comedy, really the only point a scene has to have is to make the viewer (or, to be more honest, the producer) laugh. That's usually it. That's enough. But in drama, there's narrative tension, inciting incidents, raising the stakes (I'm moaned about this so often my script editor apologises every time she uses the phrase, so now I feel guilty), and these things called 'story beats' I really must get round to looking up. They all have to be accounted for, and it's EXHAUSTING.

However... plots are absolutely my weakest point. When it comes down to it, I'm simply not that interested in them. I love crime fiction, but hardly every have the slightest idea what's going on in the average Raymond Chandler, for example. Although quite often neither did Chandler himself, to be honest, so I don't feel too bad about it. So for me personally, script editors are an absolute godsend. They don't tell you how to write dialogue, or what your characters are supposed to think or feel - they're like mechanics, making sure it's all ticking along nicely under the hood, so you can get on with the fun stuff.

So what it comes down to is, once you've written something, you then have to justify it three or four times, take it apart, put it back together again and see if it works, by which time often a lot of the fun has vanished and you're having to treat it like an actual job or something, but always oscillating wildly between the two poles of:

1) they don't know anything, my first draft was AMAZING and any changes to it serve only to take a wild and beautiful dream and crush it beneath a STEEL BOOT, and:

2) oh crikey blimey, I would happily have released that AWFUL first draft on the world if they hadn't pointed out its terrible flaws, I would have had to kill myself in shame, I don't know the first thing about writing scripts, what if someone FINDS OUT!

All of which is a very long-winded way of saying that although, as usual, I am enormously tempted to do the bare minimum on this next draft and hand it in with 'WILL THIS DO' on the front, I am instead going to take a deep breath and do it properly, in a way that will make it gooderer and more fun to watch. I can do that. I helped a man jump start his car this morning, and thought it didn't entirely work, or in fact work at all, I found out his name was Roger, and it wasn't my fault it didn't work, and we shook hands, in the snow. And if I can do that, I can do anything.

I appreciate this post didn't really have a point.